A Very Vain Prayer
Lord, in my early twenties I come to You with these very humble requests As I age, may I age gracefully May my thighs never rub together when I walk May my back fat never grow to look like backwards titties May the only muffin top I encounter be the kind that I eat May I "snap back" after each child May varicose veins be an urban myth May arthritis find a cliff and jump May Alzheimer's disease be just a distant memory May all my natural teeth go in the grave with me And may people mistake me for my great-great-great-great granddaughter's sister. Amen.