I don't even know...
My grandfather left this earth almost a month ago, and I still find myself convincing my heart that he's really gone.
It's continually heartbreaking, and some days don't even feel real, to be honest.
Sometimes I feel like I'm just away at school, and he's just a phone call or car ride away.
I miss him.
I miss his smile, I miss his mild way of handling things.
I miss his booming voice that can be heard so clearly even from far away.
I miss how he worried about all of us, no matter how small the situation may be.
I loved that he was always taking time out to make sure that those he loved were taken care of, be they family, church members, clients... he was the most selfless person I ever met.
I miss telling him about my life and how his reactions were always exactly what I needed them to be.
He never told me to stop crying.
He never told me to stop being so sensitive.
He knew when I was discouraged and made sure to take a minute to encourage me, even if all he said was, "We love you, Jalisa!"
He always spoke of excellence and integrity.
He always gave God the glory in EVERYTHING he did and EVERYTHING good in his life.
He loved his children.
He loved his grandchildren.
He loved other people's children and grandchildren as if they were his own.
He took things to heart. Even if they had nothing to do with him.
He cared. He loved. He lived life to the fullest and left such a legacy behind, it's hard to even grasp it all.
So I'm sitting here, 3 days before his would-be 79th birthday, and trying to remind myself yet again that I'm gonna have to wait sometime before I hear that voice, and see that smile, and feel his love and encouragement.
There's no pain thus far that I have felt this much, and as grateful as I am to God that he is indeed healed because he's in a place where he will never feel pain or hurt or loss ever again, sometimes I find myself asking why he couldn't just stay a little longer. Why he couldn't be around as I start this new chapter in my life. Why he can't be around when I start my own family, and go further in ministry. Why I can't hear him sing his favorite songs again... How I'm supposed to go the rest of my life without my grandpa.
How is that supposed to work?
Don't worry, I know the answers to those questions, but sometimes, I just have to ask...
It's continually heartbreaking, and some days don't even feel real, to be honest.
Sometimes I feel like I'm just away at school, and he's just a phone call or car ride away.
I miss him.
I miss his smile, I miss his mild way of handling things.
I miss his booming voice that can be heard so clearly even from far away.
I miss how he worried about all of us, no matter how small the situation may be.
I loved that he was always taking time out to make sure that those he loved were taken care of, be they family, church members, clients... he was the most selfless person I ever met.
I miss telling him about my life and how his reactions were always exactly what I needed them to be.
He never told me to stop crying.
He never told me to stop being so sensitive.
He knew when I was discouraged and made sure to take a minute to encourage me, even if all he said was, "We love you, Jalisa!"
He always spoke of excellence and integrity.
He always gave God the glory in EVERYTHING he did and EVERYTHING good in his life.
He loved his children.
He loved his grandchildren.
He loved other people's children and grandchildren as if they were his own.
He took things to heart. Even if they had nothing to do with him.
He cared. He loved. He lived life to the fullest and left such a legacy behind, it's hard to even grasp it all.
So I'm sitting here, 3 days before his would-be 79th birthday, and trying to remind myself yet again that I'm gonna have to wait sometime before I hear that voice, and see that smile, and feel his love and encouragement.
There's no pain thus far that I have felt this much, and as grateful as I am to God that he is indeed healed because he's in a place where he will never feel pain or hurt or loss ever again, sometimes I find myself asking why he couldn't just stay a little longer. Why he couldn't be around as I start this new chapter in my life. Why he can't be around when I start my own family, and go further in ministry. Why I can't hear him sing his favorite songs again... How I'm supposed to go the rest of my life without my grandpa.
How is that supposed to work?
Don't worry, I know the answers to those questions, but sometimes, I just have to ask...
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