No More Abuse - With Yourself!

  

      The one thing that I see CONSTANTLY on social media and through interactions with others, is that people are miserable. And a lot of the time, they are miserable because they are in relationships with other people who are miserable and they are perpetuating their misery together. Then, of course, you have the other group of miserable people who are upset because they don't have anyone to help exacerbate their individual misery.

     I posted my thoughts on Facebook last night. and when I woke up this morning, I had a few likes. I thought, "How does one have a healthy relationship with oneself? Is it possible to be in an abusive relationship with yourself?" I decided that the answer is a resounding "YES."

     When most people think of abuse, they think of adult-to-child, relationship/spousal domestic abuse, bullying, and any other relationship where one person holds power over another. Not so much self-to-self. Right?  Right.

    There are 4 widely-known categories under the "abuse" umbrella: Physical, Emotional, Sexual, and Neglect.  We know that physical abuse and neglect are the most obvious and provable forms of abuse, while sexual and emotional abuse take a little longer to detect. The thing is, what if we do the very things to ourselves that we so strongly condemn in other relationships? How does that make sense? I'll break it down for you. 

Physical Abuse:

I figured I'd get this one out of the way, because there's not much to say in this category.  

     Now, I hope that you are not literally physically beating yourself up, because then you need more help than this blog can give you. The average, high-functioning individual is not chewing through their wrists like Olivia Pope's mom, and unless they have some serious somatization issues, you're not really going to see evidence of physical self-abuse. But you can physically abuse yourself by overindulging in things that you know are not good for you like smoking, drugs, alcohol, and foods that have no nutritional value. When you continually attack your body by pumping agents into it that only serve to break it down, you are engaging in Physical Abuse. 

Neglect:

     This somewhat goes hand in hand with physical abuse. Not taking care of yourself is abuse. If you know that you are not sleeping as much as you should, because you want to stay up and drink, or party, or just watch TV all night, you're neglecting your body's need for rest. What would happen if you told your spouse you had an important meeting early in the morning and he or she deliberately kept you up all night, knowing you would be tired and not at your best at work? And yet we do it to ourselves all the time. 

     If you're not eating right or drinking enough water, or doing the things that you know keep your body functioning because you just don't feel like it. You don't eat vegetables because you don't like them. You don't exercise because it's uncomfortable. At 20-something? That's abuse. Yet, we get in relationships and expect our significant others to take care of us in ways that we refuse to do ourselves. 

Sexual Abuse:

     Many of you may or may not agree with me on this one. But I have to say it. This whole "sex goes with everything" attitude many of you have? Abuse. First of all, having unprotected sex, other than with your spouse or committed partner, PERIOD, is sexual self-abuse. Especially if you have not checked to make sure that the person you are sleeping with is clean. And even that is suspect, unless they got checked out that day while you were there watching the entire process. I'm just saying. It's more than nasty, immoral, whatever. It's abuse. You are exposing your body to potential diseases, viruses, infections, and whatever else, simply because you were too hot in the pants to get a condom. Abuse. 

    Secondly, sleeping with multiple partners is abuse. I know everyone is "liberated," but in reality, every time you hop into bed with someone you barely know, you become more enslaved to your sexual desires, and your sense of value and worth becomes more tied up into your sex life. Ever see somebody who "gets around" in a sexual slump? Their whole self-image is disrupted. Their confidence is shot and they only get a boost the next time they get laid. If your world revolves around how many partners you can get, and you can't function without "getting some" every few days, regardless of who is in your bed, you are sexually abusing yourself. 

    Lastly, sleeping with someone you haven't gotten to know simply because you think you like them, is abuse. First of all, you've basically sent the message that you are not worth waiting for, and that the person can have you without having to work to get you. See? I told you you wouldn't agree with me. But it's true. You have GOT to learn, men and women, that you are precious, and that not just everybody is worthy to experience that. Making sure that someone else won't abuse you is to make sure that you're not abusing yourself.

Emotional Abuse:

     Here is the kicker. This is the category where I believe self-abuse is manifested the most. Because we are the only ones inside our bodies and our minds, there is NO ONE who can beat up on us emotionally as well as we do to ourselves. Emotional abuse is simply the manipulation, humiliation, and break-down of one's self-esteem due to constant criticism, negativity, and unrealistic expectations not being met. I have to list it because it's too real. 

Constant Criticism - There are times, yes, when we need to check ourselves and evaluate the things that need improvement in our lives. However, if you are constantly beating yourself up because of mistakes that you have made, things that you overlooked, or simply something you didn't feel you did right, you are engaging in emotional abuse. What would happen if every time you came home, your spouse was complaining about something you did wrong or didn't do at all? There would be no peace in your house, right? Well, if you're doing it to yourself, then there can't be any peace in your mind. And there is no way that wouldn't spill out into other relationships. Stop criticizing yourself at every turn. Things happen. They don't always turn out the way you hope. Suck it up, learn from your mistake and move on. Not forgiving yourself, holding your own past over your head, is emotional abuse. 

Inconsiderate/Selfish Behavior - He walks out in front of you and lets the door slam in your face. She orders the most expensive thing on the menu knowing you're low on cash this month. Selfish. And those selfish acts have a way of planting seeds of resentment that grow into outward displays of discontent. But how can you be selfish with yourself? Well, let's see. Are you barely making rent, but every time you turn around you're in line for a new pair of J's? I hope they glow in the dark because that will be your only source of light when your electricity gets cut off. When you act on what will please you at the MOMENT without considering the consequences afterward, you are being selfish and inconsiderate. With yourself. And guess what? You will do it in a relationship with another person. And you won't understand why they are upset with you, and all your problems will be their fault because you didn't think. Emotional abuse. 

Comparing - Please, please, PLEASE stop comparing your life to other people's. Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, and other social sites will have you believing that everyone else is on Cloud 9 while you're chilling in the gutter. EVERYBODY has problems. The only reason we know about yours is because you keep telling us. And you feel the need to tell us so that the rest of us will feel guilty enough to stop posting all the good things that are happening so you can stop feeling bad about the things that aren't happening for you. Except that we won't. Instead, we'll look at your post and wonder why we need to know all your business. Why? Because we are not comparing our lives to yours!! It's no fun being with someone who wishes you were someone else. How many relationships end because one person couldn't accept the other for who they were? And yet, we do it to ourselves, and it's worse because we can't break up with ourselves! We want someone who will love us despite our faults, but support us when we want to change for our own betterment. Be that person for yourself. Love yourself, accept your flaws, and change the ones you can. Don't talk about it. Be about it. You're miserable otherwise. 

Unrealistic Expectations - It kind of goes along with comparing. You had dreams of being a superstar, but the deals just won't come. So you're angry with yourself for not making it happen, and bitter with the rest of the world for keeping you from your goal. If your dreams don't pan out the way you hoped they would, you are not any less of a person. If you try something, and it doesn't work, you tried. If you think it's worth it, try again. No one wants to be constantly reminded of what they could have been or should have been. We want to be accepted for who we are now. Well that starts with you. If you are at peace with the way your life turned out, you won't tolerate someone else dumping on that.

     Remember. When it comes to relationships, two halves do not make a whole. It's just two broken pieces trying to fit together. The truth of the matter is, many of us are hurting ourselves, and looking to others to make us feel better. But it doesn't work that way. We have to love ourselves enough and care enough to face the hard stuff, embrace it, and keep on going. When we are healthy singles, THEN we can be healthy couples. 

     I wrote this post so that it could relate to believers and non-believers alike, but I can't NOT tell you that with Christ, everything is better. He will fill you up with His love, heal the hurts, and create a new you where your BEST features are highlighted, and your worst don't overshadow the love He has for you and the love you will have for yourself by accepting that love. And when God loves you, you rest assured that He will never abuse you. God is love, and God never fails. Therefore, love never fails. Be blessed!