Catch the Words Children Throw in the Air...
Stop me if you've heard these before:
"You don't have any problems. You don't pay bills, you don't have to worry about paying for food or clothes. All you have to do is go to school and be a child."
"You're a child. You don't know what tired is. You're too young to be tired."
"Just get over it. You'll be okay."
"Don't question me. You are a child, and what I say goes. Don't worry about why."
I never understood when adults played down children's problems. To me, it's another form of neglect. Telling a child or teenager that their problems are not really problems is just as detrimental as refusing to feed them or beating them until they have cuts and bruises. My thing is this; I may be 16 and my worst problem may be dealing with a classmate who doesn't like me. You may be 42 and worrying about whether you lose your job and could care less about what ANYBODY has to say about you, much less some random coworker or neighbor. Yes, losing your job is serious and would have dire effects on the rest of your life, but my classmate problem may be the worst that I have had to deal with at this point in my life. It doesn't mean that it's not a problem. No, a class bully cannot affect the status of my home situation or cause me to go hungry, but it is something that I have to get through at this stage in my life. At the age of 42, you would be able to deal with a petty peer. It is your responsibility now, however, to to help me cope with my 16-year-old problem in a healthy manner so that when I do face the next (harder) challenge in life I am better able to deal.
The term "serious" is relative. You can't expect a young child to understand the problems of a teenager. You can't expect a teenager to understand the problems of an adult. You can't even expect an adult to understand the problems of an elderly person. Why would you want to? Teenage problems would be overwhelming to an 8-year-old. Adult problems would be overwhelming to a teenager. Didn't anybody watch that episode of the Cosby Show when they put Theo out "in the real world" for a day? He couldn't handle it! Why? Because he was a teenager and not equipped to deal with the real world just yet. So no, as an adult you cannot expect a child to experience the magnitude of conflict that you may be experiencing. But don't disrespect those who are coming behind you just because what they consider to be their issues is now insignificant to your situation. Just remember that you, at one point, had to deal with a bully. You, at one point had your heart broken and thought that it was the end of the world and you would never love again. You, at one point, thought that there was nothing more serious than getting a failing grade. Understand that. And let the young ones know that you understand. And that life will go on. And that they will be okay. And let them talk to you and tell you how they feel. Acknowledge how they feel WHILE you remind them that they cannot stop. I'm not saying that you can't be firm and adamant about your position. Just recognize that their feelings and thoughts are valid.
I believe many of the world's issues stem from people who grew up with their problems being minimized by their parents and elders, never learned how to deal with them properly, and then passed their bad coping habits on to their children, who in turn developed WORSE coping methods because they had to deal with inherited problems PLUS the problems they encountered just living life. The idea of Darwinism prevails in this case: only the strong survive the craziness and manage to come out as healthy and functioning human beings. Of course we all walk away from growing up with battle scars, but some are way deeper than others, and some never heal. Instead, they fester and infect the next generation. Now we have a slew of mothers and fathers who abandon their children emotionally if not physically, and have no idea how to treat them like children instead of adults, either over-disciplining them or not disciplining them at all. Sidebar: disciplining your child because they are getting on your nerves instead of disciplining them for actually doing something wrong is the best way to breed rebellion because they are going to begin to figure that as long as they aren't bothering anybody, they don't have to worry about the moral value of their actions. I'm just saying. How many children or teenagers have you heard say "I always get in trouble for nothing, so I don't care anymore," or some variation? Listen to them, people! They're not just throwing words into the air! Wake up! Children are the realest human beings you will ever meet, and the fakeness they develop growing up only comes from being around people who don't encourage or allow them to be themselves, peers and relatives alike.
I'm not saying to let your children run wild. I'm not saying that you don't have to rectify their behavior every once in a while. But children have a voice. Let them speak. You don't have to coddle them to let them know that they are relevant and significant. People always used to look at my mom crazy because they thought she let me "talk back" too much. But the truth is, because my mom allowed me to express my feelings with her at home, I am now able to go outside and tell people exactly what I want and need without fear. I can ask questions and get the answers I need. And yes, I am respectful. My teachers raved about how I thrived in class, and always had something to contribute. Here's another newsflash: Just because a child expresses their displeasure at something an adult says does not mean that the child won't do what they were asked to do or be obedient. It just means that they want some clarification on what's going on in their life.
My mom understood that having something to say didn't make me disrespectful, because when enough was enough, she knew how to shut it down, too. We both knew who was in charge. But she didn't have to diminish my character to make sure that it was clear. Popping me in the mouth for asking why I had to do chores wasn't necessary, and it wouldn't have been effective. As long as I knew where the line was, I was cool. I believe that because I got more leeway than a lot of Black kids in terms of saying how I felt, I was able to have more conversations with my mom. We cleared up a lot of misunderstandings and came to a lot of common ground because I opened my mouth and she responded verbally, and not physically. To an outsider, it sounded like a child arguing with her parent. To us, it was communication, and when all was said and done, I either knew why I was being asked to do what I was doing, or I knew to leave it alone and trust that she was my mother and what she said went. Now, some years later, I understand some of the things she refused to explain to me at the time. And I know that as I grow older, I'll understand even more.
The bottom line is, a problem is a problem. Whether it's a five-year-old who's crayon just broke, or a 50-year-old who's husband just left her, each needs to be treated with the same level of sympathy and support. Because each person deserves it. And that's what adults need to remember. Children are people. They are not adults, but they are people with feelings, opinions and ideas. They know when they are being disrespected. They may not be able to identify it, but they know when they are not being treated right. So, the next time a little person says, "it's not fair," take the time out to really ponder their words. Are they being petulant? Or were you really not being fair? I'm just saying.
"You don't have any problems. You don't pay bills, you don't have to worry about paying for food or clothes. All you have to do is go to school and be a child."
"You're a child. You don't know what tired is. You're too young to be tired."
"Just get over it. You'll be okay."
"Don't question me. You are a child, and what I say goes. Don't worry about why."
I never understood when adults played down children's problems. To me, it's another form of neglect. Telling a child or teenager that their problems are not really problems is just as detrimental as refusing to feed them or beating them until they have cuts and bruises. My thing is this; I may be 16 and my worst problem may be dealing with a classmate who doesn't like me. You may be 42 and worrying about whether you lose your job and could care less about what ANYBODY has to say about you, much less some random coworker or neighbor. Yes, losing your job is serious and would have dire effects on the rest of your life, but my classmate problem may be the worst that I have had to deal with at this point in my life. It doesn't mean that it's not a problem. No, a class bully cannot affect the status of my home situation or cause me to go hungry, but it is something that I have to get through at this stage in my life. At the age of 42, you would be able to deal with a petty peer. It is your responsibility now, however, to to help me cope with my 16-year-old problem in a healthy manner so that when I do face the next (harder) challenge in life I am better able to deal.
The term "serious" is relative. You can't expect a young child to understand the problems of a teenager. You can't expect a teenager to understand the problems of an adult. You can't even expect an adult to understand the problems of an elderly person. Why would you want to? Teenage problems would be overwhelming to an 8-year-old. Adult problems would be overwhelming to a teenager. Didn't anybody watch that episode of the Cosby Show when they put Theo out "in the real world" for a day? He couldn't handle it! Why? Because he was a teenager and not equipped to deal with the real world just yet. So no, as an adult you cannot expect a child to experience the magnitude of conflict that you may be experiencing. But don't disrespect those who are coming behind you just because what they consider to be their issues is now insignificant to your situation. Just remember that you, at one point, had to deal with a bully. You, at one point had your heart broken and thought that it was the end of the world and you would never love again. You, at one point, thought that there was nothing more serious than getting a failing grade. Understand that. And let the young ones know that you understand. And that life will go on. And that they will be okay. And let them talk to you and tell you how they feel. Acknowledge how they feel WHILE you remind them that they cannot stop. I'm not saying that you can't be firm and adamant about your position. Just recognize that their feelings and thoughts are valid.
I believe many of the world's issues stem from people who grew up with their problems being minimized by their parents and elders, never learned how to deal with them properly, and then passed their bad coping habits on to their children, who in turn developed WORSE coping methods because they had to deal with inherited problems PLUS the problems they encountered just living life. The idea of Darwinism prevails in this case: only the strong survive the craziness and manage to come out as healthy and functioning human beings. Of course we all walk away from growing up with battle scars, but some are way deeper than others, and some never heal. Instead, they fester and infect the next generation. Now we have a slew of mothers and fathers who abandon their children emotionally if not physically, and have no idea how to treat them like children instead of adults, either over-disciplining them or not disciplining them at all. Sidebar: disciplining your child because they are getting on your nerves instead of disciplining them for actually doing something wrong is the best way to breed rebellion because they are going to begin to figure that as long as they aren't bothering anybody, they don't have to worry about the moral value of their actions. I'm just saying. How many children or teenagers have you heard say "I always get in trouble for nothing, so I don't care anymore," or some variation? Listen to them, people! They're not just throwing words into the air! Wake up! Children are the realest human beings you will ever meet, and the fakeness they develop growing up only comes from being around people who don't encourage or allow them to be themselves, peers and relatives alike.
I'm not saying to let your children run wild. I'm not saying that you don't have to rectify their behavior every once in a while. But children have a voice. Let them speak. You don't have to coddle them to let them know that they are relevant and significant. People always used to look at my mom crazy because they thought she let me "talk back" too much. But the truth is, because my mom allowed me to express my feelings with her at home, I am now able to go outside and tell people exactly what I want and need without fear. I can ask questions and get the answers I need. And yes, I am respectful. My teachers raved about how I thrived in class, and always had something to contribute. Here's another newsflash: Just because a child expresses their displeasure at something an adult says does not mean that the child won't do what they were asked to do or be obedient. It just means that they want some clarification on what's going on in their life.
My mom understood that having something to say didn't make me disrespectful, because when enough was enough, she knew how to shut it down, too. We both knew who was in charge. But she didn't have to diminish my character to make sure that it was clear. Popping me in the mouth for asking why I had to do chores wasn't necessary, and it wouldn't have been effective. As long as I knew where the line was, I was cool. I believe that because I got more leeway than a lot of Black kids in terms of saying how I felt, I was able to have more conversations with my mom. We cleared up a lot of misunderstandings and came to a lot of common ground because I opened my mouth and she responded verbally, and not physically. To an outsider, it sounded like a child arguing with her parent. To us, it was communication, and when all was said and done, I either knew why I was being asked to do what I was doing, or I knew to leave it alone and trust that she was my mother and what she said went. Now, some years later, I understand some of the things she refused to explain to me at the time. And I know that as I grow older, I'll understand even more.
The bottom line is, a problem is a problem. Whether it's a five-year-old who's crayon just broke, or a 50-year-old who's husband just left her, each needs to be treated with the same level of sympathy and support. Because each person deserves it. And that's what adults need to remember. Children are people. They are not adults, but they are people with feelings, opinions and ideas. They know when they are being disrespected. They may not be able to identify it, but they know when they are not being treated right. So, the next time a little person says, "it's not fair," take the time out to really ponder their words. Are they being petulant? Or were you really not being fair? I'm just saying.
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