The Dam
Well the dam finally broke
Two weeks of confusion, irritation, physical and emotional pain, and anxiety finally got to me and the tears came down...
The first week all I could do was sleep. I only got up for classes and work, and then it was back to bed for me
I couldn't talk to anyone about anything coherent
Tried to pray but I wasn't really sure of what I was praying about and there were so many things swimming in my head I was in no position to listen to what God had to say, either
So I suffered in my sleep.
I dreamt dreams that brought me joy and then pain when I woke up and realized that they weren't real
I consoled myself and went back to sleep to dream other dreams that tormented me and then I woke up to realize that those weren't real either
I didn't know what they meant so I went to sleep mentally exhausted and finally had a sleep that brought no dreams, but brought no rest either.
The second week brought the fire.
Everything that had been bothering and hurting me for the past six weeks all of a sudden grew to become this monster that threatened to overtake me if I didn't fight back.
So I lashed out. I told people off. I spoke my mind more than I usually do, and I dismissed what I usually permit. I realized how often I feel like a doormat, virtually invisible until people need something, and then discarded like trash when they were done. The burden of being a woman? Or the burden of being me?
Is it my fault because I give people chance after chance even when they show no signs of change?
Or is it my fault because I think I'm showing compassion and patience when I'm really just enabling them to keep using me and throwing me away?
I used to think that I was stronger than others when I didn't let their petty ways get to me. When I could ignore someone who thought they were getting over on me. But maybe I've got it wrong. I used to take pride in the fact that people THOUGHT I was a push-over when I knew the real me was underneath. But maybe I have become that pushover, and the worst kind because I hadn't even realized that I let it happen.
Meanness has always been relative to me. I know I'm not mean, and therefore I didn't care whether other people thought I was or not. Somewhere along the way I lost my edge, and started to let people see the softness underneath, and just as I expected, they didn't know how NOT to take advantage of it. That would be all well and good if sensitivity wasn't so cruel to me. I love being sensitive when it enables me to help other people. Not when it enables other people to hurt me.
This being said, I now understand why I so carefully built the walls around me, and so tediously selected the circle of people who are the closest to me. Maybe it was meant for me to put my defenses down and tell my guards to take a break for a little while because I learned my lesson about letting people and things in who don't know how to act once they're inside. It's like taking a child to an upscale restaurant. The perfect way to completely disrupt a perfectly functioning business, but not impossible to clean up once the kid is gone.
So. No more kids in my restaurant! No more little boys or little girls disrupting the peaceful ambiance and positive environment I have so carefully chosen.... Those kids are gonna have to grow up before they come back and something tells me that's gonna take some time!
Anyway, the dam finally broke when my laptop shut down on me unexpectedly, becoming ONE more thing (or person) in my life that I had become emotionally dependent on but proved to be as unreliable as the rest of them, and I just had to wonder when I became this girl. I'm not her. I remember who I used to be, and I was proud of that girl. She had it all! She was sweetly saved, and her attention was on God, where it was supposed to be, and nobody and nothing else mattered because she knew that no matter what, God had her. This person with the unpredictable mood swings and uncontrollable tears needs to meet that girl and figure out where she went wrong... I'm pretty sure it started when she stopped looking up and started looking to the left.
Two weeks of confusion, irritation, physical and emotional pain, and anxiety finally got to me and the tears came down...
The first week all I could do was sleep. I only got up for classes and work, and then it was back to bed for me
I couldn't talk to anyone about anything coherent
Tried to pray but I wasn't really sure of what I was praying about and there were so many things swimming in my head I was in no position to listen to what God had to say, either
So I suffered in my sleep.
I dreamt dreams that brought me joy and then pain when I woke up and realized that they weren't real
I consoled myself and went back to sleep to dream other dreams that tormented me and then I woke up to realize that those weren't real either
I didn't know what they meant so I went to sleep mentally exhausted and finally had a sleep that brought no dreams, but brought no rest either.
The second week brought the fire.
Everything that had been bothering and hurting me for the past six weeks all of a sudden grew to become this monster that threatened to overtake me if I didn't fight back.
So I lashed out. I told people off. I spoke my mind more than I usually do, and I dismissed what I usually permit. I realized how often I feel like a doormat, virtually invisible until people need something, and then discarded like trash when they were done. The burden of being a woman? Or the burden of being me?
Is it my fault because I give people chance after chance even when they show no signs of change?
Or is it my fault because I think I'm showing compassion and patience when I'm really just enabling them to keep using me and throwing me away?
I used to think that I was stronger than others when I didn't let their petty ways get to me. When I could ignore someone who thought they were getting over on me. But maybe I've got it wrong. I used to take pride in the fact that people THOUGHT I was a push-over when I knew the real me was underneath. But maybe I have become that pushover, and the worst kind because I hadn't even realized that I let it happen.
Meanness has always been relative to me. I know I'm not mean, and therefore I didn't care whether other people thought I was or not. Somewhere along the way I lost my edge, and started to let people see the softness underneath, and just as I expected, they didn't know how NOT to take advantage of it. That would be all well and good if sensitivity wasn't so cruel to me. I love being sensitive when it enables me to help other people. Not when it enables other people to hurt me.
This being said, I now understand why I so carefully built the walls around me, and so tediously selected the circle of people who are the closest to me. Maybe it was meant for me to put my defenses down and tell my guards to take a break for a little while because I learned my lesson about letting people and things in who don't know how to act once they're inside. It's like taking a child to an upscale restaurant. The perfect way to completely disrupt a perfectly functioning business, but not impossible to clean up once the kid is gone.
So. No more kids in my restaurant! No more little boys or little girls disrupting the peaceful ambiance and positive environment I have so carefully chosen.... Those kids are gonna have to grow up before they come back and something tells me that's gonna take some time!
Anyway, the dam finally broke when my laptop shut down on me unexpectedly, becoming ONE more thing (or person) in my life that I had become emotionally dependent on but proved to be as unreliable as the rest of them, and I just had to wonder when I became this girl. I'm not her. I remember who I used to be, and I was proud of that girl. She had it all! She was sweetly saved, and her attention was on God, where it was supposed to be, and nobody and nothing else mattered because she knew that no matter what, God had her. This person with the unpredictable mood swings and uncontrollable tears needs to meet that girl and figure out where she went wrong... I'm pretty sure it started when she stopped looking up and started looking to the left.
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