Dear Ladies (Or Gents, but mainly Ladies)
I came to this conclusion last night while talking to YET another one of my girl friends about - you know!
Those creatures. They come in our lives, wreak havoc, and only the Lord knows what happens next. Some stay, some leave, and others just don't know what to do, so they just run around in circles and all the while WE deal with the emotional backlash of it all.
So my friend was in that stage that a lot of us ladies find ourselves in after we've been hurt before but somehow found ourselves on the brink of love yet again. Scared. Here was this guy who wanted to be with her, and she had equally strong feelings but, paralyzed by the memories of being hurt before, she continued to refuse him. The twisted thing about it, though, was that she wasn't even worried about HIM hurting her... She was worried that SHE might hurt him because of what had happened to her in the past. So here's what I said:
I told her that she was already hurting both of them by denying something that seemed to be working for them, and that if she cared for him and he cared for her, there was no reason for both of them to be miserable. I told her nothing was guaranteed in life, and yes, there was a chance that it wouldn't work out, but the healthiest thing to do is to make it work until it doesn't work anymore, and then move on. I know it's easier said than done, but I feel that I have a right to say it since this practice is a very fresh (and real) one for me.
Then she hit me with the 'what-ifs?' What if it doesn't work and he can't let go? What if I want to date somebody else? Then I'll feel guilty. What if he's not the one? Labels complicate things. What if? What if? What if?
I told her that "if was a fifth, we'd all be drunk." There is no "what if," there's just "what is." If it works, then let it work! There's nothing to fix there. There's nobody else you want to date, so there's no reason to worry about that, and if he's not the one, it's going to be okay!
And that's when it hit me: It is going to be okay!! I think we forget that a lot when we're dealing with men. We get so caught up in our feelings, and they're so strong they can make us feel like our worlds are going to collapse based on what THEY do. We forget how we were when we were single (those who've dared to be single long enough to completely get over someone), and we have no idea of how we're going to be single again. We forget that our sole purpose in life is NOT to have a man, or THAT man, whichever case applies, and we just don't know what to do.
The truth of the matter, ladies, is that men are only a PIECE of the full, wonderful lives that we lead. I am constantly reminded of how proud I am of my girls (and myself) because we are making SO MANY great strides in our lives and reaching so high. Failure is not an option for us when it comes to making our dreams come true, and we're so good that we don't let ANYTHING compromise that. That's why it's so easy to turn our attention to these men because in the back of our minds we know that no matter WHAT, we are going to do what he have to do.We are young, strong, black, educated women who have visions so far ahead we can't even see them all the time, but we know that our futures are there.
There aren't too many aspects of our lives that so completely mess with our chemistry and make it hard to separate logic from emotion, but men are definitely on the top of that list. Somehow, once we get in one, we see relationships as something we need to make work, and if it doesn't we've failed. We push them into this box that goes along with family, school work, regular work, and if the balance gets upset, we feel like we weren't doing something right. And for every relationship that stopped functioning, we take a souvenir, and depending on what it is, we become paralyzed. We refuse to either get IN, or we refuse to get OUT of another relationship because we think we won't be able to take it if we don't get to see it through.
I'm learning, though, that it doesn't have to be that way. Fear should take no part in the dating scene because that's the surest way to find drama. Once again, I know it's easier said than done, but being afraid to be with someone you truly care about only causes pain. On the other hand, being afraid to leave someone also brings pain, and keeps you from getting to the one you're SUPPOSED to be with.
Stop being scared. Although our hearts tell us that our lives will be over if we disrupt them, they won't. It's okay. Just remember that men and relationships are only a PIECE of our lives. They don't define us or our dreams. And if they're not on board with what you've got going on, it's okay, cus the train will STILL reach its destination. And there will be the one who was supposed to be there the whole time.
Those creatures. They come in our lives, wreak havoc, and only the Lord knows what happens next. Some stay, some leave, and others just don't know what to do, so they just run around in circles and all the while WE deal with the emotional backlash of it all.
So my friend was in that stage that a lot of us ladies find ourselves in after we've been hurt before but somehow found ourselves on the brink of love yet again. Scared. Here was this guy who wanted to be with her, and she had equally strong feelings but, paralyzed by the memories of being hurt before, she continued to refuse him. The twisted thing about it, though, was that she wasn't even worried about HIM hurting her... She was worried that SHE might hurt him because of what had happened to her in the past. So here's what I said:
I told her that she was already hurting both of them by denying something that seemed to be working for them, and that if she cared for him and he cared for her, there was no reason for both of them to be miserable. I told her nothing was guaranteed in life, and yes, there was a chance that it wouldn't work out, but the healthiest thing to do is to make it work until it doesn't work anymore, and then move on. I know it's easier said than done, but I feel that I have a right to say it since this practice is a very fresh (and real) one for me.
Then she hit me with the 'what-ifs?' What if it doesn't work and he can't let go? What if I want to date somebody else? Then I'll feel guilty. What if he's not the one? Labels complicate things. What if? What if? What if?
I told her that "if was a fifth, we'd all be drunk." There is no "what if," there's just "what is." If it works, then let it work! There's nothing to fix there. There's nobody else you want to date, so there's no reason to worry about that, and if he's not the one, it's going to be okay!
And that's when it hit me: It is going to be okay!! I think we forget that a lot when we're dealing with men. We get so caught up in our feelings, and they're so strong they can make us feel like our worlds are going to collapse based on what THEY do. We forget how we were when we were single (those who've dared to be single long enough to completely get over someone), and we have no idea of how we're going to be single again. We forget that our sole purpose in life is NOT to have a man, or THAT man, whichever case applies, and we just don't know what to do.
The truth of the matter, ladies, is that men are only a PIECE of the full, wonderful lives that we lead. I am constantly reminded of how proud I am of my girls (and myself) because we are making SO MANY great strides in our lives and reaching so high. Failure is not an option for us when it comes to making our dreams come true, and we're so good that we don't let ANYTHING compromise that. That's why it's so easy to turn our attention to these men because in the back of our minds we know that no matter WHAT, we are going to do what he have to do.We are young, strong, black, educated women who have visions so far ahead we can't even see them all the time, but we know that our futures are there.
There aren't too many aspects of our lives that so completely mess with our chemistry and make it hard to separate logic from emotion, but men are definitely on the top of that list. Somehow, once we get in one, we see relationships as something we need to make work, and if it doesn't we've failed. We push them into this box that goes along with family, school work, regular work, and if the balance gets upset, we feel like we weren't doing something right. And for every relationship that stopped functioning, we take a souvenir, and depending on what it is, we become paralyzed. We refuse to either get IN, or we refuse to get OUT of another relationship because we think we won't be able to take it if we don't get to see it through.
I'm learning, though, that it doesn't have to be that way. Fear should take no part in the dating scene because that's the surest way to find drama. Once again, I know it's easier said than done, but being afraid to be with someone you truly care about only causes pain. On the other hand, being afraid to leave someone also brings pain, and keeps you from getting to the one you're SUPPOSED to be with.
Stop being scared. Although our hearts tell us that our lives will be over if we disrupt them, they won't. It's okay. Just remember that men and relationships are only a PIECE of our lives. They don't define us or our dreams. And if they're not on board with what you've got going on, it's okay, cus the train will STILL reach its destination. And there will be the one who was supposed to be there the whole time.
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