The Necessity of Love

For the past few months I have not had it in me to blog.

The excuses are endless. My grandpa passed. I started grad school. I'm tired all the time. I'm still nursing a broken heart. I'm....

The truth is, my mind has just plain been too disorganized to post something worthy of reading.

I haven't been able to do much more than throw a constant stream of pity parties, the booze coming in the form of tears for one reason or another.

But you know what this year has taught me more than anything? It's taught me about love.

I've always been taught that God is love, and that His love is unconditional, even when we turn away from Him and disobey His commandments. I get it now.

Funny how you hear something your whole life and never understand what it means until you experience it for yourself.

This year I learned what it's like to love somebody unconditionally, and not only have them NOT return that love, but doubt that your love for them is real. Sometimes I can't figure out which hurt more. I tend to find the latter wins out the most. To try to get someone to see that you care about them, not because you want or need anything from them, and to have them constantly decide that there is an ulterior motive is more devastating than them just believing you and turning their back anyway. But I digress.

But then my Grandpa died. He was the embodiment of what it is to love someone, everyone, with no expectation in return, and toward the end, I started to see the toll it took on his ego. Just like it has started to do with mine. I can't begin to compare the things I do for others with the things he's done. I can go my whole life and never know everything my grandfather has done to reach out and help someone else. My grandfather spent the majority of his 78 years giving and giving and giving to others, only to have people turn their backs on him as soon as they got what they needed. The last 3 years of his life, who stepped up to take care of him? His family. And what a family we are! We love him, even after he's gone, but how glad would his heart have been if half of the others would have shown some gratitude and taken a moment to check on him? Visit him in the hospital? Help him at home? He was always asking about one person or another, people he hadn't seen in years. And they'd be around... just not around him. I remember being very angry after he died, because of all the people who came out the woodwork to talk about how much they loved him, and how much they'll miss him, and how he meant so much to them. I couldn't receive it. All I could think was, "Where were you?" Because he loved them, and showed it. And they couldn't show a piece of that love in return in his last hour? But you loved him? Okay. But I don't want to hear it.

So, I still have some stuff to work on. Grad school, I feel is an experience that has so far been tainted by my overwhelming sense of grief, of losing two important people within the same year. One of them was good for me. The other, not so much. I realize that their time with me, however, just happened to be up so that I can move on toward... whatever's next.

I learned this year that when you love someone, it doesn't matter what they do or say. That love is transcendent and doesn't die, no matter how many beatings it takes. It makes me understand better the sacrifice Jesus made, even though He knew the people He died for would turn their backs on him and accuse believers of ulterior motives. And it hurts to extend yourself so freely only to have someone constantly throw it back in your face. But if that kind of love means that someone gets saved, both spiritually and physically, then it's necessary. So I'll continue to love. I love my family and my friends, that's easy. But I also love those who don't show it back because you never know. I may never see them again, but one day they'll remember. And it'll make a difference. So my love is necessary.

I also figured out what it means when someone loves you. It's not hidden. My grandfather wasn't exceptionally affectionate. He was very matter of fact. But I knew he loved me. I knew he thought of me, and he cared about every aspect of my life. My parents, sister, aunts, uncles, grandparents, friends, cousins all love me. We don't have to talk every day or spout sweet harmonies in each other's ear when we do. But it shows. And I know.

So. Where does that leave us? When you love someone do you allow them to hurt you over and over again til there's nothing left? I wouldn't say that. Jesus loved the people on earth until they literally killed him. Now he loves us in Spirit, and those who have a relationship with Him know exactly what that love feels like. So even though His love is very real in my soul, I am aware that He is loving me from a distance. I can't kill him anymore with my disbelief and disobedience. So if the goal is to be like Jesus, why not do the same? I can't keep getting killed. I have to love some people from a distance. But guess what? My love is still necessary! And as long as it's coming from the Ultimate Source of love, it ain't goin nowhere!

And now abideth faith, hope, charity (love), these three; but the greatest of these is charity.

- 1 Corinthians 13:13