Control Freak
God has been working on me sooo much y'all!
Lord knows, I love to be in charge. I pride myself on being the mother hen, the caretaker, the mentor, the big (little sis), the person everybody runs to for help or advice. It makes me feel needed an important, validates my suspicions that I matter to others.
But Lord, Lord, Lord, these past 2 years!!
So it was bad enough that I lost my grandfather just before starting graduate school and relinquished all control over my emotions and composure. Then I had to take an "Incomplete" for a class which I HATED because I have a SERIOUS problem with not getting things done on time.
But thank God, I finished, and got that grade in by the next semester, and it was all good.
THEN!
I went home, and felt completely out of place with my family, which is the most foreign concept to me in the world. I felt replaced, discarded, unneeded, un-missed, and dismissed. It was real. Took the whole summer to accept that I was not in control over that situation either and had to let the Lord deal with me concerning that issue. Thank God, I got delivered though! All he was doing was maturing me for the next test.
NOW...
So I got all set up in a new apartment, it was sweet, bigger than my last, and it was MINE! I LOVED IT!! I was doing me, all day every day, just living. And then... my apartment building caught on fire, suffered an explosion, woke me out of my sleep, and caused me to run out without any identification or keys. Then, I moved into my pastor and his family's home of whose church I've only been going to for 3 months. There are people I've known my whole LIFE that I've never spent the night with, much less moved in with for a month! So, what does this all tell me?
I have nothing. I have control over nothing. Every time something happens, I complain and say something like, "everytime I get settled, something happens to disrupt my life," not realizing the message behind my own words. The truth is, there is nothing that can be taken for granted. You can spend your whole life building up the things you want, but it can all be gone in an instant. Being grateful means understanding that no matter what your situation, God is the only constant, and that only by leaning on Him can you have complete and total security.
Out of all the things that happened to me in the last two years, dealing with this fire and its aftermath have been the most eye-opening for me, because for the first time since dealing with traumatic situations, I was FINALLY able to see what God did for me in the midst of it all, and how quickly and thoroughly He moved in my situation. There's no way I could have survived any of these things without Him. No matter how the devil tries to distract and discourage me, I am highly aware that God is working on my situation, and the Holy Ghost is working in me. I can praise Him throughout all the storms because He is my rock and my help. There is no greater love than the love of Christ, and He proves it every day.
Control freak? Yeah, that's me. And even my controlling ways have fallen prostrate in the face of God. I surrender all.
Lord knows, I love to be in charge. I pride myself on being the mother hen, the caretaker, the mentor, the big (little sis), the person everybody runs to for help or advice. It makes me feel needed an important, validates my suspicions that I matter to others.
But Lord, Lord, Lord, these past 2 years!!
So it was bad enough that I lost my grandfather just before starting graduate school and relinquished all control over my emotions and composure. Then I had to take an "Incomplete" for a class which I HATED because I have a SERIOUS problem with not getting things done on time.
But thank God, I finished, and got that grade in by the next semester, and it was all good.
THEN!
I went home, and felt completely out of place with my family, which is the most foreign concept to me in the world. I felt replaced, discarded, unneeded, un-missed, and dismissed. It was real. Took the whole summer to accept that I was not in control over that situation either and had to let the Lord deal with me concerning that issue. Thank God, I got delivered though! All he was doing was maturing me for the next test.
NOW...
So I got all set up in a new apartment, it was sweet, bigger than my last, and it was MINE! I LOVED IT!! I was doing me, all day every day, just living. And then... my apartment building caught on fire, suffered an explosion, woke me out of my sleep, and caused me to run out without any identification or keys. Then, I moved into my pastor and his family's home of whose church I've only been going to for 3 months. There are people I've known my whole LIFE that I've never spent the night with, much less moved in with for a month! So, what does this all tell me?
I have nothing. I have control over nothing. Every time something happens, I complain and say something like, "everytime I get settled, something happens to disrupt my life," not realizing the message behind my own words. The truth is, there is nothing that can be taken for granted. You can spend your whole life building up the things you want, but it can all be gone in an instant. Being grateful means understanding that no matter what your situation, God is the only constant, and that only by leaning on Him can you have complete and total security.
Out of all the things that happened to me in the last two years, dealing with this fire and its aftermath have been the most eye-opening for me, because for the first time since dealing with traumatic situations, I was FINALLY able to see what God did for me in the midst of it all, and how quickly and thoroughly He moved in my situation. There's no way I could have survived any of these things without Him. No matter how the devil tries to distract and discourage me, I am highly aware that God is working on my situation, and the Holy Ghost is working in me. I can praise Him throughout all the storms because He is my rock and my help. There is no greater love than the love of Christ, and He proves it every day.
Control freak? Yeah, that's me. And even my controlling ways have fallen prostrate in the face of God. I surrender all.
Jalisa, I have read about your traumatic experience with the fire. Other than your safety, I am so glad that through the storms of your life you managed to understand the lesson that God has assigned to you. Only tough people can handle tough tests. You are inspiring and I admire your spirit. Thanks for sharing this.
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