He's not For You If....
I'm watching Love and Hip Hop: Atlanta the other night (I know, I know! It's my one vice, give me this!) and I can't help but shake my head at Shay, who is just WEAK for Lil' Scrappy. The thing that got me was that she had to establish what his relationship with his baby's mother was in order to determine what her own relationship with him would be. Sounds confusing, right? Exactly. Then I read something about a woman who was feeling pressured to have sex in order to keep her boyfriend. I thought we covered that ground in middle school, but I guess not.
This is for you ladies who may be a little confused about what it means when a guy is not for you, and equally importantly, not THERE for you!
He's Not For You If....
1. The "other woman" is you - I already touched on this. Anytime you have to determine his relationship with somebody else in order to figure out where YOU stand with him, you need to get away as fast as you can! Because not only is HE treating you like a side, you're treating YOURSELF like the side! And that's not okay! If there is another person on your mind as much as he is, and you don't have confidence that she's not a threat to your relationship, there's a problem and you need to exit, stage left. You should never be in competition in your relationship, imagined or otherwise. If there's no convincing you that he's in it all the way, then there is no reason to stick around, is there? Because if you're tolerating that now, what is there (or not there) to make him change?
2. You have to change who you are to keep him - Anytime you have to compromise your values, your beliefs, the core that makes up who you are, there's a problem. I'm not saying that you can't go out for pizza even though you're feeling Chinese once in awhile. I mean that if he wants to have sex, and you're waiting, one of you is going to have to change something. And I can guarantee you 9 times out of 10, it won't be him. So, if you have to go against what you know is right to make him feel good, and you think will make him stay, you're doubly wrong because 1) no man (or woman) is going to stay in a relationship he doesn't want to be in (see guideline #1) no matter WHAT you do, and 2) if you're changing who you are to keep him, then is he really with YOU? Not really. So eventually, he won't see what he saw in you in the first place, and he'll STILL be gone.
3. Everything's a battle - It's true, there are such things as healthy arguments. In fact, show me a relationship without some conflict, and I'll show you somebody who's lying. But if everything is an all-out war, from who will pick up the check to what movie to watch, maybe you need to rethink your situation. Because if you can't get it together on the little things, what will happen when the relationship deepens and you have more serious decisions to make? I'm sorry, I don't want to argue with my husband about who's gonna pick up the baby, we end up leaving the poor child out in the cold for hours, and then argue all night about who's fault it was that we left the baby too long and they took him to Child Services.... too far? Okay, I'm back. But you see my point!
4. You're working harder than he is - I don't know who came up with this ride-or-die, down chick, "stick with me through everything no matter how stupid I act" mentality, but the buck stops here! The only One I've pledged my life to until I die is my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ (as every rapper says on awards shows), and unless I get married, that's how it's gonna stay. And if the man is represented by ANY of these guidelines, I won't be getting married! But, I digress.... No homie! I'm not still gonna be yours when you're doing 5-10 (I actually had a situation... more on that later). If you go days without calling or texting me, I will not be dropping what I'm doing to answer when you get around to it, and if you don't want to be my man, I GUARANTEE you, I will move on. And I don't do backsies. So you should make up your mind quick. You can't be more into the relationship than he is. If he's not putting effort into it, that's you're cue to take your dignity, and hold it for someone who will love you for you.
5. You don't love yourself - Bottom line, if you don't love or respect yourself to protect yourself from people who will take advantage of you, it really doesn't matter who you end up with, it's more than likely going to be the same situation over and over again. You always lose. You can't expect another person to make you whole. You can't expect another person to make you happy. The realness of it all is, if you haven't worked on yourself to the point where you can identify an unhealthy situation, then NOBODY will be right for you, because you're not ready. Be with yourself, and learn about who you are. Find out your likes and dislikes, what you can tolerate and what you can't. What you need and what you have covered.
Hopefully, this helps to ease some of the anguish that comes with dealing with "complicated men." Because the truth is, they're really not all that complicated. Sometimes we see and hear the things we want, when they are showing and telling us the truth the whole time. Save yourself the heartache. Don't try to change him, or you. If it's not working, it's okay. It just means there's somebody else waiting, and the less time you spend trying to force a relationship that wasn't meant to be, the more time you get to work on yourself and prepare for the one who is meant for you.
This is for you ladies who may be a little confused about what it means when a guy is not for you, and equally importantly, not THERE for you!
He's Not For You If....
1. The "other woman" is you - I already touched on this. Anytime you have to determine his relationship with somebody else in order to figure out where YOU stand with him, you need to get away as fast as you can! Because not only is HE treating you like a side, you're treating YOURSELF like the side! And that's not okay! If there is another person on your mind as much as he is, and you don't have confidence that she's not a threat to your relationship, there's a problem and you need to exit, stage left. You should never be in competition in your relationship, imagined or otherwise. If there's no convincing you that he's in it all the way, then there is no reason to stick around, is there? Because if you're tolerating that now, what is there (or not there) to make him change?
2. You have to change who you are to keep him - Anytime you have to compromise your values, your beliefs, the core that makes up who you are, there's a problem. I'm not saying that you can't go out for pizza even though you're feeling Chinese once in awhile. I mean that if he wants to have sex, and you're waiting, one of you is going to have to change something. And I can guarantee you 9 times out of 10, it won't be him. So, if you have to go against what you know is right to make him feel good, and you think will make him stay, you're doubly wrong because 1) no man (or woman) is going to stay in a relationship he doesn't want to be in (see guideline #1) no matter WHAT you do, and 2) if you're changing who you are to keep him, then is he really with YOU? Not really. So eventually, he won't see what he saw in you in the first place, and he'll STILL be gone.
3. Everything's a battle - It's true, there are such things as healthy arguments. In fact, show me a relationship without some conflict, and I'll show you somebody who's lying. But if everything is an all-out war, from who will pick up the check to what movie to watch, maybe you need to rethink your situation. Because if you can't get it together on the little things, what will happen when the relationship deepens and you have more serious decisions to make? I'm sorry, I don't want to argue with my husband about who's gonna pick up the baby, we end up leaving the poor child out in the cold for hours, and then argue all night about who's fault it was that we left the baby too long and they took him to Child Services.... too far? Okay, I'm back. But you see my point!
4. You're working harder than he is - I don't know who came up with this ride-or-die, down chick, "stick with me through everything no matter how stupid I act" mentality, but the buck stops here! The only One I've pledged my life to until I die is my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ (as every rapper says on awards shows), and unless I get married, that's how it's gonna stay. And if the man is represented by ANY of these guidelines, I won't be getting married! But, I digress.... No homie! I'm not still gonna be yours when you're doing 5-10 (I actually had a situation... more on that later). If you go days without calling or texting me, I will not be dropping what I'm doing to answer when you get around to it, and if you don't want to be my man, I GUARANTEE you, I will move on. And I don't do backsies. So you should make up your mind quick. You can't be more into the relationship than he is. If he's not putting effort into it, that's you're cue to take your dignity, and hold it for someone who will love you for you.
5. You don't love yourself - Bottom line, if you don't love or respect yourself to protect yourself from people who will take advantage of you, it really doesn't matter who you end up with, it's more than likely going to be the same situation over and over again. You always lose. You can't expect another person to make you whole. You can't expect another person to make you happy. The realness of it all is, if you haven't worked on yourself to the point where you can identify an unhealthy situation, then NOBODY will be right for you, because you're not ready. Be with yourself, and learn about who you are. Find out your likes and dislikes, what you can tolerate and what you can't. What you need and what you have covered.
Hopefully, this helps to ease some of the anguish that comes with dealing with "complicated men." Because the truth is, they're really not all that complicated. Sometimes we see and hear the things we want, when they are showing and telling us the truth the whole time. Save yourself the heartache. Don't try to change him, or you. If it's not working, it's okay. It just means there's somebody else waiting, and the less time you spend trying to force a relationship that wasn't meant to be, the more time you get to work on yourself and prepare for the one who is meant for you.
Amen, Amen, AMEN to number 3!! Absolute home run with that one.
ReplyDeleteAnd to #2, YES. I heard a quote once " If a man wants you nothing can keep away. If a man doesn't want you, nothing can make him stay."
Show him how you want to be valued, by FIRST valuing yourself!
#whew
I agree on everything!! Can't say it any better than that.
ReplyDelete