Breakup, Jali Style
This is for the woman who thinks it's all her fault, but secretly wants her friends to tell her it's not...
Well, friend, it's not all your fault. It's 50% your fault.
How's that? He lied, he cheated, he did you dirty, he was this, he was that, blah blah blah........ You cooked for him, cleaned for him, set boundaries so he would respect you, supported him, yeah yeah yeah......
So what did you do wrong? You stayed.
I don't care how good you were to him, how many times you called him on his crap, how "perfect" you tried to be for him. If someone is emotionally, mentally, or physically hurting you, and you remain in that situation WILLINGLY, you have to accept some responsibility for the outcome.
I know, I know, it's easier said than done. And what do I know about it anyway?
Well, I know how hard it is to break away from someone you love, even if it's not a healthy relationship.
I know it's easy (especially for women) to internalize every disappointment and try to find a way to "fix" things, even though you know on some level it's beyond repair.
I know how embarrassing it is for the same person to hurt you the same way more than once.
I know how it feels to keep trying to find that person that you fell for in the first place and not recognize the person you ended up with.
And I know that when you do finally get angry, it's very hard to keep it from turning to bitterness.
For almost two years, I let someone drag me on a roller-coaster ride that never stopped until I was forced to walk away for good. Don't get me wrong, now, when I was done, I was done. Number deleted, photos erased, text messages gone, short responses or none at all when said person tried to contact me. Once I made the break, I was real about it.
But I certainly wasn't over it.
I went through about a month of denial. I just told myself that I was done, it was for the best, I didn't care anymore. And it worked for a while. I distracted myself with friends, family, hanging out, just doing me.
But then, I got angry. And that was the longest and most torturous part. Because although my anger was safe, it wasn't properly fueled. I started off being angry with him. But everytime I went to blame him for something in the relationship, my mind would sneak in a moment where I could have and should have ended it. So eventually I moved on to being angry at something else.
I was angry with the situation. I said, "Lord, why did You let me meet him? You know how attached I get. Why did you let me get so close??" I was mad at my college for being small enough that I ran into him all the time. I was mad at my other friends because they were friends of his too. In my mind, there was no way to escape him. But then I kept randomly remembering that I could have just chosen not to spend time with him. Just because I saw him didn't mean I had to stay in his presence if I really didn't want to or knew it wouldn't be good for me.
So, finally, I came to the conclusion that if I hadn't made the choice to take a chance, this wouldn't have happened. Well, that wasn't my fault, because you don't get to know someone until you spend time with him. But the first time we discussed it and came to the conclusion that we wanted different things in life and from each other, that was my cue to walk away. Permanently. Didn't matter that I was head over heels in "like," and he gave me the saddest puppy-dog face that always made me want to run and take care of him. I knew then and there that it wouldn't work. And again each time he lied to me. Each time he got close to me and then pushed me away. Each time he would realize that I was close to cutting the cord for good and get close to me again. He was showing me he wasn't concerned about my emotional well-being. So I realize all the times I should have exited. Once I got angry with myself, and then forgave myself for not protecting my heart, completely forgiving him was easy, and I was finally able to move past it.
Listen, ladies. Don't let yourself get so caught up in a person that you forget who you are and what you deserve. If you try to make something work that wasn't meant to work, you'll only end up hurting yourself and possibly the other person. Take it from me. Over a year and a half of going in circles. Almost a year of pining, anger, and disgust. And then finally, forgiveness of both him and myself, and acceptance of the fact that I made some mistakes and learned some lessons. Once you realize you DO have something to show for your trouble, it hurts a little less. And then not at all.
Just remember: The minute those true colors start to show, and you choose to take your chances, it's now on you.
Well, friend, it's not all your fault. It's 50% your fault.
How's that? He lied, he cheated, he did you dirty, he was this, he was that, blah blah blah........ You cooked for him, cleaned for him, set boundaries so he would respect you, supported him, yeah yeah yeah......
So what did you do wrong? You stayed.
I don't care how good you were to him, how many times you called him on his crap, how "perfect" you tried to be for him. If someone is emotionally, mentally, or physically hurting you, and you remain in that situation WILLINGLY, you have to accept some responsibility for the outcome.
I know, I know, it's easier said than done. And what do I know about it anyway?
Well, I know how hard it is to break away from someone you love, even if it's not a healthy relationship.
I know it's easy (especially for women) to internalize every disappointment and try to find a way to "fix" things, even though you know on some level it's beyond repair.
I know how embarrassing it is for the same person to hurt you the same way more than once.
I know how it feels to keep trying to find that person that you fell for in the first place and not recognize the person you ended up with.
And I know that when you do finally get angry, it's very hard to keep it from turning to bitterness.
For almost two years, I let someone drag me on a roller-coaster ride that never stopped until I was forced to walk away for good. Don't get me wrong, now, when I was done, I was done. Number deleted, photos erased, text messages gone, short responses or none at all when said person tried to contact me. Once I made the break, I was real about it.
But I certainly wasn't over it.
I went through about a month of denial. I just told myself that I was done, it was for the best, I didn't care anymore. And it worked for a while. I distracted myself with friends, family, hanging out, just doing me.
But then, I got angry. And that was the longest and most torturous part. Because although my anger was safe, it wasn't properly fueled. I started off being angry with him. But everytime I went to blame him for something in the relationship, my mind would sneak in a moment where I could have and should have ended it. So eventually I moved on to being angry at something else.
I was angry with the situation. I said, "Lord, why did You let me meet him? You know how attached I get. Why did you let me get so close??" I was mad at my college for being small enough that I ran into him all the time. I was mad at my other friends because they were friends of his too. In my mind, there was no way to escape him. But then I kept randomly remembering that I could have just chosen not to spend time with him. Just because I saw him didn't mean I had to stay in his presence if I really didn't want to or knew it wouldn't be good for me.
So, finally, I came to the conclusion that if I hadn't made the choice to take a chance, this wouldn't have happened. Well, that wasn't my fault, because you don't get to know someone until you spend time with him. But the first time we discussed it and came to the conclusion that we wanted different things in life and from each other, that was my cue to walk away. Permanently. Didn't matter that I was head over heels in "like," and he gave me the saddest puppy-dog face that always made me want to run and take care of him. I knew then and there that it wouldn't work. And again each time he lied to me. Each time he got close to me and then pushed me away. Each time he would realize that I was close to cutting the cord for good and get close to me again. He was showing me he wasn't concerned about my emotional well-being. So I realize all the times I should have exited. Once I got angry with myself, and then forgave myself for not protecting my heart, completely forgiving him was easy, and I was finally able to move past it.
Listen, ladies. Don't let yourself get so caught up in a person that you forget who you are and what you deserve. If you try to make something work that wasn't meant to work, you'll only end up hurting yourself and possibly the other person. Take it from me. Over a year and a half of going in circles. Almost a year of pining, anger, and disgust. And then finally, forgiveness of both him and myself, and acceptance of the fact that I made some mistakes and learned some lessons. Once you realize you DO have something to show for your trouble, it hurts a little less. And then not at all.
Just remember: The minute those true colors start to show, and you choose to take your chances, it's now on you.
Good post :) I agree that it takes a lot of strength to forgive oneself in addition to forgiving others. I know something about that as well; especially the forgiving myself part. lol. We are designed to be who we are as women, but I'm working on asking God to help me utilize the gift of being a woman the right way. I'm still a work in progress and will always be, but this post was a nice reminder and a wonderful read.
ReplyDelete