Worth the Wait: Churchy vs. Saved
So I've been talking to some people about dating lately. My general stance on dating and being a Christian is that they don't mix. Now this is my personal belief. If you're saved and you think it's cool and you can handle "emotional shopping" then do you. Not for me.
Now some may see my reticence as residue from old hurts, and they'd be partly right. But not the way they would think. Old hurts have led me to research God's view on dating, as revealed in His word. And what I found out is that God doesn't really talk about dating. He talks about being a saved woman or man, and a married woman, man, and couple. Any semblance of what we consider today to be dating or courtship, was a man approaching a young woman's father, asking his permission to marry his daughter, and then proceeding to marry her. Any direct advice we have been given falls under not being unequally yoked (2 Corinthians 6:14), and how to love and treat one another as man and wife (Ephesians 5:22-33). Oh yeah, and that it's better to marry than it is to "burn with passion" (1 Corinthians 7:9). Yeah, Paul knew.
Now, obviously we don't live in a day or age where some random dude walking up to my dad and asking him to marry me without me getting to know him first is gonna fly. So what needs to happen? Where is the middle ground between being single and married?
Well, I don't know yet! I'll come back when I figure it out or when I get married, whichever comes first. But it's my current belief that one can't go wrong with being friends before going anywhere. There are so many things you can learn and observe by not crossing the line from platonic to romantic. Did the guy meet you at church last Sunday and is angling for a date by Wednesday night Bible Study? That's a red flag. If he's not willing to take the time to make sure you're a true woman of God, that makes him suspect automatically. Have you been in church together all your life and you have yet to see him open a Bible on his own or his hands go up in true and authentic praise without prompting? Red flag. Plus since you've known him so long, you probably know of some other shady stuff so I won't go there.
In most churches I've been to, the number of young(ish) women tend to outweigh the number of young(ish) men significantly. In addition, many of those men are already married, middle-aged to older, or just not available for whatever reason. So what ends up happening, it seems, is that the "good brothers" get snatched up while the "good girls" are benched. Then, all of a sudden, magically, and mysteriously, a "good brother" swoops in from Narnia or some other place, takes notice and pursues... or what we think is a good brother. Which brings me to my topic of discussion...
As we navigate that "gray area" between singleness and marriage, what are some signs to look out for as we ponder whether considering this person as a life partner is worth our time? Is this truly the person God intended for you? Is this the time that He intended for you to come together? Sometimes we rush situations thinking we're "helping" God, and we end up making a mess. Abraham will tell you. Jacob will tell you. So if you've already met the "one" but you know God is telling you to wait, then you should wait. Ask Him to identify areas you need to work on separately and together. Alas, I'm not there yet, so I digress...
But like I said before: I'm not talking about "the one." I'm talking about leading up to "the one." The "should I even bother" person. The "he/she seems okay but..." person. The "really, God?" person. My point here is not to be picky, but to identify the red flags in someone professing to be a man or woman of God, and showing romantic interests in you.
I've learned that, in church, there is a special group of people who appear to have a form of godliness, but continually deny the power thereof. There are two sets of people most of us encounter when we come to church: 1) Church Boys and Church Girls, and 2) Truly saved, sanctified, and Holy Ghost filled men and women. Before you think about doing ANYTHING, saying boo, diddly squat to someone, much less walking down the aisle, you should know the difference.
CHURCH BOYS/GIRLS:
I started to write this and target church boys because that's who I've had experience dating. But I guess I can comment on the church girls too. The differences are very slight, if they do exist. Basically, the people who fall into this category know how to have CHURCH! They know how to dress, they know every hymn and popular Bible verse. They could probably preach an entire sermon (and some of them probably do) without even opening a Bible or writing down notes. They can jump up and shout around the church as soon as they hear the opening chords and they can play a tambourine like nobody's business. They know every Gospel song, every famous Bishop and every church within a 50 mile radius.
... But if you asked them to come out on a Tuesday night for pastoral teaching or Bible study with the understanding that there would be no visitors, no prominent preachers, and generally nobody they would be interested in seeing, they would have a list of excuses as to why they couldn't make it. If you needed them to take the little children downstairs for a Sunday School lesson while a well-known musician came in to talk to the pastor, you wouldn't be able to tear them away from the door of the study. They show romantic interest in you, but are not concerned about your spiritual well-being. They're interested in how much money you make, they comment on how good you look, and possibly how well-known you are among the church folk. But if you ask them to pray for you, they would be uncomfortable if you wanted to do it right in that moment. They lead praise and worship enthusiastically, but when the pastor or someone else gets up to speak, they are obviously checked out (some even walk out) until they're called to come up front again. They are ambivalent about the things of God, even when scripture clearly states God's stance on certain things (e.g., sex outside of marriage, tithing, loving one another, etc). They are rebellious toward leadership and those in positions of authority (e.g., arguing with the pastor, refusing to participate when the leader calls for prayer, blatantly ignoring church mothers). They are quick to quote Bible verses but slow to live by them, especially if it requires any kind of sacrifice on their part.
Church boys and girls often have split personalities. They have one persona in church, but if you spoke to their coworkers, classmates, and even family members outside of church, you'll be introduced to a whole new side to them. Yes, we all alter our behavior based on the setting that we're in, but some things should shine through no matter where you are. If you see things outside of church with this person that are different from what you see in church, it's a red flag.
Most of this stuff won't be in your face right away. But if you give it some time, you'll start to notice when things just don't line up. But I'm not encouraging you to only look for what's wrong. There are a lot of saved men and women who also don't get a chance because we're often not looking for what's right.
SAVED MEN/WOMEN
Now, I don't presume to deem someone as saved or unsaved based on my own perceptions. The Bible says that if someone confesses with their mouth that Jesus is Lord and believes in their heart that God raised Him from the dead, then they are saved (Romans 10:9). So who am I to say different?
HOWEVER!! Be careful throwing that around. Because Jesus also said that we will know a tree by the fruit it bears (Matthew 7:16-20). The key sign that someone is "churchy" and not truly saved is that they don't bear fruit. Many of them, you will notice, tend to be stuck in the same situations, repeating the same patterns over and over again. Instead of getting delivered, they sink deeper into bondage. It'll show up in their attitudes, lack of self-control, and unwillingness to surrender their pride. It's not always obvious, but if you hang out long enough, you'll start to see it.
Someone who is truly saved AND submitted to God will continue to move forward in Him. They will be bound to Him and free at the same time. They will not hesitate to put God before you and everybody else, even if they are interested in you. They not only know and speak the Word, but they do their best to live by it.
These people are not always the ones in the pulpit leading the worship service. They might be in the back, praying quietly in the corner because the Lord put someone on their heart to pray for in that moment. They may be humble, and you, in your search for perfection, may see it as weakness. They may be quiet overall, but bold when it's time to go pass out tracts and witness in the street (I know y'all don't do that anymore, right?). They'll ask you about your place in God, what your spiritual goals and aspirations are (and no, I'm not talking about which church you'd like to pastor or which auxiliary board you'd like to chair). If you get to be close enough friends, they'll call you out when you do or say something that contradicts the Word.
They'll be the same person anywhere you go. If they're friendly at church, they'll be friendly in a restaurant. If they're quiet but dependable at church, they'll be known for the same things at work. One of the best things that God offers us is a sense of consistency and confidence in Him, so that no matter where we go, we can always be ourselves.
In general, they care more about pleasing God than they do about you or others. And in this pursuit, they'll TREAT you and everyone else around in a way that reflects the love that they have for God and the love that God has for all of us. This doesn't mean that they won't have struggles. It doesn't mean that they won't have some growing to do, because none of us are "done" until we leave this earth. You may even meet them in the midst of an internal battle because the Lord is leading them to do something their flesh is extremely uncomfortable with. But the reason that David was known as a man after God's own heart was because no matter how he fell, no matter how far he strayed, he ALWAYS went back to his First Love. He loved God more than his wives, his fortune, or his personal victories. He gave God the glory for every win, and in failure. When his heart was broken, when he didn't know what else to do, he turned to God for help, and praised him in spite of his pain. Is this man or woman willing to lay everything down at His feet, no matter who's watching? Does he or she concern him or herself with the things of God above the things of this world?
How about you? Are you more concerned with finding a relationship with another person than you are developing and growing in your relationship with God? Do you find yourself in opposition of leadership and authority? Are you going around in circles, dealing with the same bondage over and over again? Have you fully surrendered yourself to God?
I know, and He knows we singles can get lonely sometimes. God Himself said it wasn't good for man to be alone (Genesis 2:18). But then guess what happened? God GAVE Adam a wife. He created Eve out of Adam. And they were meant for each other. And it was proven. Because they walked with God together, they fell together, and then they stayed together. When you do meet someone, and you consider marriage, ask yourself AND God: Can I accept his downfalls as if they were mine? Is she the one God molded and shaped for me? Lord, did YOU give me this person? If the answer is "no," then you should move on. It's not worth the hurt trying to force something that God didn't want for you. He didn't want it for you for a reason.
I speak from my own experience, the experience of others, and the Word of God. It's worth the wait, so I've been told. And by faith, I believe it to be so.
Now some may see my reticence as residue from old hurts, and they'd be partly right. But not the way they would think. Old hurts have led me to research God's view on dating, as revealed in His word. And what I found out is that God doesn't really talk about dating. He talks about being a saved woman or man, and a married woman, man, and couple. Any semblance of what we consider today to be dating or courtship, was a man approaching a young woman's father, asking his permission to marry his daughter, and then proceeding to marry her. Any direct advice we have been given falls under not being unequally yoked (2 Corinthians 6:14), and how to love and treat one another as man and wife (Ephesians 5:22-33). Oh yeah, and that it's better to marry than it is to "burn with passion" (1 Corinthians 7:9). Yeah, Paul knew.
Now, obviously we don't live in a day or age where some random dude walking up to my dad and asking him to marry me without me getting to know him first is gonna fly. So what needs to happen? Where is the middle ground between being single and married?
Well, I don't know yet! I'll come back when I figure it out or when I get married, whichever comes first. But it's my current belief that one can't go wrong with being friends before going anywhere. There are so many things you can learn and observe by not crossing the line from platonic to romantic. Did the guy meet you at church last Sunday and is angling for a date by Wednesday night Bible Study? That's a red flag. If he's not willing to take the time to make sure you're a true woman of God, that makes him suspect automatically. Have you been in church together all your life and you have yet to see him open a Bible on his own or his hands go up in true and authentic praise without prompting? Red flag. Plus since you've known him so long, you probably know of some other shady stuff so I won't go there.
In most churches I've been to, the number of young(ish) women tend to outweigh the number of young(ish) men significantly. In addition, many of those men are already married, middle-aged to older, or just not available for whatever reason. So what ends up happening, it seems, is that the "good brothers" get snatched up while the "good girls" are benched. Then, all of a sudden, magically, and mysteriously, a "good brother" swoops in from Narnia or some other place, takes notice and pursues... or what we think is a good brother. Which brings me to my topic of discussion...
As we navigate that "gray area" between singleness and marriage, what are some signs to look out for as we ponder whether considering this person as a life partner is worth our time? Is this truly the person God intended for you? Is this the time that He intended for you to come together? Sometimes we rush situations thinking we're "helping" God, and we end up making a mess. Abraham will tell you. Jacob will tell you. So if you've already met the "one" but you know God is telling you to wait, then you should wait. Ask Him to identify areas you need to work on separately and together. Alas, I'm not there yet, so I digress...
But like I said before: I'm not talking about "the one." I'm talking about leading up to "the one." The "should I even bother" person. The "he/she seems okay but..." person. The "really, God?" person. My point here is not to be picky, but to identify the red flags in someone professing to be a man or woman of God, and showing romantic interests in you.
I've learned that, in church, there is a special group of people who appear to have a form of godliness, but continually deny the power thereof. There are two sets of people most of us encounter when we come to church: 1) Church Boys and Church Girls, and 2) Truly saved, sanctified, and Holy Ghost filled men and women. Before you think about doing ANYTHING, saying boo, diddly squat to someone, much less walking down the aisle, you should know the difference.
CHURCH BOYS/GIRLS:
I started to write this and target church boys because that's who I've had experience dating. But I guess I can comment on the church girls too. The differences are very slight, if they do exist. Basically, the people who fall into this category know how to have CHURCH! They know how to dress, they know every hymn and popular Bible verse. They could probably preach an entire sermon (and some of them probably do) without even opening a Bible or writing down notes. They can jump up and shout around the church as soon as they hear the opening chords and they can play a tambourine like nobody's business. They know every Gospel song, every famous Bishop and every church within a 50 mile radius.
... But if you asked them to come out on a Tuesday night for pastoral teaching or Bible study with the understanding that there would be no visitors, no prominent preachers, and generally nobody they would be interested in seeing, they would have a list of excuses as to why they couldn't make it. If you needed them to take the little children downstairs for a Sunday School lesson while a well-known musician came in to talk to the pastor, you wouldn't be able to tear them away from the door of the study. They show romantic interest in you, but are not concerned about your spiritual well-being. They're interested in how much money you make, they comment on how good you look, and possibly how well-known you are among the church folk. But if you ask them to pray for you, they would be uncomfortable if you wanted to do it right in that moment. They lead praise and worship enthusiastically, but when the pastor or someone else gets up to speak, they are obviously checked out (some even walk out) until they're called to come up front again. They are ambivalent about the things of God, even when scripture clearly states God's stance on certain things (e.g., sex outside of marriage, tithing, loving one another, etc). They are rebellious toward leadership and those in positions of authority (e.g., arguing with the pastor, refusing to participate when the leader calls for prayer, blatantly ignoring church mothers). They are quick to quote Bible verses but slow to live by them, especially if it requires any kind of sacrifice on their part.
Church boys and girls often have split personalities. They have one persona in church, but if you spoke to their coworkers, classmates, and even family members outside of church, you'll be introduced to a whole new side to them. Yes, we all alter our behavior based on the setting that we're in, but some things should shine through no matter where you are. If you see things outside of church with this person that are different from what you see in church, it's a red flag.
Most of this stuff won't be in your face right away. But if you give it some time, you'll start to notice when things just don't line up. But I'm not encouraging you to only look for what's wrong. There are a lot of saved men and women who also don't get a chance because we're often not looking for what's right.
SAVED MEN/WOMEN
Now, I don't presume to deem someone as saved or unsaved based on my own perceptions. The Bible says that if someone confesses with their mouth that Jesus is Lord and believes in their heart that God raised Him from the dead, then they are saved (Romans 10:9). So who am I to say different?
HOWEVER!! Be careful throwing that around. Because Jesus also said that we will know a tree by the fruit it bears (Matthew 7:16-20). The key sign that someone is "churchy" and not truly saved is that they don't bear fruit. Many of them, you will notice, tend to be stuck in the same situations, repeating the same patterns over and over again. Instead of getting delivered, they sink deeper into bondage. It'll show up in their attitudes, lack of self-control, and unwillingness to surrender their pride. It's not always obvious, but if you hang out long enough, you'll start to see it.
Someone who is truly saved AND submitted to God will continue to move forward in Him. They will be bound to Him and free at the same time. They will not hesitate to put God before you and everybody else, even if they are interested in you. They not only know and speak the Word, but they do their best to live by it.
These people are not always the ones in the pulpit leading the worship service. They might be in the back, praying quietly in the corner because the Lord put someone on their heart to pray for in that moment. They may be humble, and you, in your search for perfection, may see it as weakness. They may be quiet overall, but bold when it's time to go pass out tracts and witness in the street (I know y'all don't do that anymore, right?). They'll ask you about your place in God, what your spiritual goals and aspirations are (and no, I'm not talking about which church you'd like to pastor or which auxiliary board you'd like to chair). If you get to be close enough friends, they'll call you out when you do or say something that contradicts the Word.
They'll be the same person anywhere you go. If they're friendly at church, they'll be friendly in a restaurant. If they're quiet but dependable at church, they'll be known for the same things at work. One of the best things that God offers us is a sense of consistency and confidence in Him, so that no matter where we go, we can always be ourselves.
In general, they care more about pleasing God than they do about you or others. And in this pursuit, they'll TREAT you and everyone else around in a way that reflects the love that they have for God and the love that God has for all of us. This doesn't mean that they won't have struggles. It doesn't mean that they won't have some growing to do, because none of us are "done" until we leave this earth. You may even meet them in the midst of an internal battle because the Lord is leading them to do something their flesh is extremely uncomfortable with. But the reason that David was known as a man after God's own heart was because no matter how he fell, no matter how far he strayed, he ALWAYS went back to his First Love. He loved God more than his wives, his fortune, or his personal victories. He gave God the glory for every win, and in failure. When his heart was broken, when he didn't know what else to do, he turned to God for help, and praised him in spite of his pain. Is this man or woman willing to lay everything down at His feet, no matter who's watching? Does he or she concern him or herself with the things of God above the things of this world?
How about you? Are you more concerned with finding a relationship with another person than you are developing and growing in your relationship with God? Do you find yourself in opposition of leadership and authority? Are you going around in circles, dealing with the same bondage over and over again? Have you fully surrendered yourself to God?
I know, and He knows we singles can get lonely sometimes. God Himself said it wasn't good for man to be alone (Genesis 2:18). But then guess what happened? God GAVE Adam a wife. He created Eve out of Adam. And they were meant for each other. And it was proven. Because they walked with God together, they fell together, and then they stayed together. When you do meet someone, and you consider marriage, ask yourself AND God: Can I accept his downfalls as if they were mine? Is she the one God molded and shaped for me? Lord, did YOU give me this person? If the answer is "no," then you should move on. It's not worth the hurt trying to force something that God didn't want for you. He didn't want it for you for a reason.
I speak from my own experience, the experience of others, and the Word of God. It's worth the wait, so I've been told. And by faith, I believe it to be so.
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