Running Away
It's no secret that I have not enjoyed my college experience at all...
A big part of it was that I did not want to come here in the first place so there was already a black mark on my attitude about college in general...
When I got here I called myself giving it a chance by becoming part of a clique. The clique broke up and I took that as an excuse to condemn the rest of my time here and I have been miserable ever since.
This is gonna sound like a pity party for a minute but bear with me, I promise it's going somewhere!
But anyway...
I hated that the school was so small, it was in the middle of nowhere, there was no public transportation, I had to ask people for rides if I wanted to go ANYWHERE off campus, everybody was either part of a Greek letter organization or wanted to be a part of one, I was trying to stay saved and there was no church around where I felt comfortable and there weren't that many saved people on campus who were trying to hold on like I was, and the norm around me was to party, drink, have sex, and all these things I had told God I was going to abstain from. My family was 13 hours away, and my ride or die friends were so far away... how was I supposed to stay sane?
I always believed that the reason I got along so well with people before was the fact that I could get away from them at some point. Going through elementary and secondary school, I never had lasting "beefs" with anyone because after 3:00 they no longer existed if I didn't want them to. In church, I saw people for a couple hours throughout the week, and I went home. Even my family, who were able to ignite the highest of rages in me I was able to deal with because I knew eventually I had to go to school or church and not deal with them. So, here, on this tiny college campus where the majority of the student population is from South Carolina or surrounding areas, and the only way to leave is by car, and going through two years without even a driver's license, I believed that this was the source of my discomfort. The inability to be mobile was crippling me, and all I have done for the past four years is try to find ways to get out and not deal with people.
When I was a little girl, I cried at everything. My feelings were easily hurt, and I guess I had what you would call a bleeding heart. I cried when I was teased, yelled at, shunned, tricked, and anything else that kids did to get a reaction out of me. I figured that it was easiest to deal with them by not letting them see when they got to me, and waiting until I was by myself to let out any frustrations. When I got to high school, I was having trouble at home, and taking out my frustrations at school, and I learned to compartmentalize my emotions, and feel only what was appropriate for the situation I was in. For example: If I was made angry at home, then that was where that emotion would be released. If everything was cool at school, my anger was not allowed there. And it worked. It didn't mean that my friends didn't know what was going on, and they were there for me. But nobody else knew anything real about me, and that way they could never use my weaknesses against me.
So. Back to college. After a lifetime of holding it in until I could get to a place where I could let it out comfortably, I found myself living in a fishbowl. I had a roommate, suitemates, and I had to eat in the cafeteria when I got hungry. In other words, there was no way to let it out without somebody seeing. Crying in public is a no-no for me. But that's how I release. The chapel was dry, there was no Spirit there. But church is where my soul gets fed and my strength in Christ is renewed. Where was my outlet? I didn't do what everyone else did. So what was I supposed to do?
I did what I had taught myself to do all those years ago. I held it in until I was able to get away to let it out comfortably. That means for months at a time, I walked around on lockdown, shutting everyone and everything that had to do with school out. I only let go while I was at home, and when it was time to go back, I braced myself to go into lockdown again. Sometimes I thought I might get sick for all the heaviness on my heart. My thoughts were always on "getting out". I can't wait to go home. If I could just get off campus for a DAY. If I could just get away...
So I had a talk with a friend today about how I came to be such a loner, and he didn't get what I was saying AT ALL. He thought I was just complaining, and he said that I went about things the wrong way. At first, I was offended but after an hour or so of thinking (and crying lol) I realized that maybe he's not totally wrong. I understand why I did what I did. Guarding my spirit was my main priority and I felt that the people around me did not have my best interests at heart. But was it a good idea to completely snub everyone from there on out? No. I think it was a little extreme. And I think it was a perpetuation of what I do best. I ran away.
I'm learning about myself that I am a runaway. I never thought of myself as a person who avoided conflict, not realizing that conflict is not always a verbal or physical altercation. If something needs to be said, I have no problem saying it! But conflict comes in other forms, too. It comes in hard situations that are often unexpected. I'm a person who knows she has a short temper, and has a hard time letting things go. So I don't let it get that far. I never got to the point where I deal with the things that get past my protective wall. I just shut down.
For the last four years I've been praying to God, asking him why out of all the schools in the country, and all the schools I could have gone to, would He have me here, at this little school no one has ever heard of, in the middle of nowhere, and with people who wouldn't understand me. I think I finally get it. I think He wanted me to realize that I can't just walk away from every situation, and I'm not going to be comfortable everywhere I go. I still have to hold my head up and let His light shine throughout.
So, God, I have to apologize. I'm sorry that I let You down, and allowed my emotions to cloud my judgment, instead of turning to You for support. Please help me to spend the amount of time I have left turning this around, and allowing others to see You through me. I'm done running away.
Amen.
A big part of it was that I did not want to come here in the first place so there was already a black mark on my attitude about college in general...
When I got here I called myself giving it a chance by becoming part of a clique. The clique broke up and I took that as an excuse to condemn the rest of my time here and I have been miserable ever since.
This is gonna sound like a pity party for a minute but bear with me, I promise it's going somewhere!
But anyway...
I hated that the school was so small, it was in the middle of nowhere, there was no public transportation, I had to ask people for rides if I wanted to go ANYWHERE off campus, everybody was either part of a Greek letter organization or wanted to be a part of one, I was trying to stay saved and there was no church around where I felt comfortable and there weren't that many saved people on campus who were trying to hold on like I was, and the norm around me was to party, drink, have sex, and all these things I had told God I was going to abstain from. My family was 13 hours away, and my ride or die friends were so far away... how was I supposed to stay sane?
I always believed that the reason I got along so well with people before was the fact that I could get away from them at some point. Going through elementary and secondary school, I never had lasting "beefs" with anyone because after 3:00 they no longer existed if I didn't want them to. In church, I saw people for a couple hours throughout the week, and I went home. Even my family, who were able to ignite the highest of rages in me I was able to deal with because I knew eventually I had to go to school or church and not deal with them. So, here, on this tiny college campus where the majority of the student population is from South Carolina or surrounding areas, and the only way to leave is by car, and going through two years without even a driver's license, I believed that this was the source of my discomfort. The inability to be mobile was crippling me, and all I have done for the past four years is try to find ways to get out and not deal with people.
When I was a little girl, I cried at everything. My feelings were easily hurt, and I guess I had what you would call a bleeding heart. I cried when I was teased, yelled at, shunned, tricked, and anything else that kids did to get a reaction out of me. I figured that it was easiest to deal with them by not letting them see when they got to me, and waiting until I was by myself to let out any frustrations. When I got to high school, I was having trouble at home, and taking out my frustrations at school, and I learned to compartmentalize my emotions, and feel only what was appropriate for the situation I was in. For example: If I was made angry at home, then that was where that emotion would be released. If everything was cool at school, my anger was not allowed there. And it worked. It didn't mean that my friends didn't know what was going on, and they were there for me. But nobody else knew anything real about me, and that way they could never use my weaknesses against me.
So. Back to college. After a lifetime of holding it in until I could get to a place where I could let it out comfortably, I found myself living in a fishbowl. I had a roommate, suitemates, and I had to eat in the cafeteria when I got hungry. In other words, there was no way to let it out without somebody seeing. Crying in public is a no-no for me. But that's how I release. The chapel was dry, there was no Spirit there. But church is where my soul gets fed and my strength in Christ is renewed. Where was my outlet? I didn't do what everyone else did. So what was I supposed to do?
I did what I had taught myself to do all those years ago. I held it in until I was able to get away to let it out comfortably. That means for months at a time, I walked around on lockdown, shutting everyone and everything that had to do with school out. I only let go while I was at home, and when it was time to go back, I braced myself to go into lockdown again. Sometimes I thought I might get sick for all the heaviness on my heart. My thoughts were always on "getting out". I can't wait to go home. If I could just get off campus for a DAY. If I could just get away...
So I had a talk with a friend today about how I came to be such a loner, and he didn't get what I was saying AT ALL. He thought I was just complaining, and he said that I went about things the wrong way. At first, I was offended but after an hour or so of thinking (and crying lol) I realized that maybe he's not totally wrong. I understand why I did what I did. Guarding my spirit was my main priority and I felt that the people around me did not have my best interests at heart. But was it a good idea to completely snub everyone from there on out? No. I think it was a little extreme. And I think it was a perpetuation of what I do best. I ran away.
I'm learning about myself that I am a runaway. I never thought of myself as a person who avoided conflict, not realizing that conflict is not always a verbal or physical altercation. If something needs to be said, I have no problem saying it! But conflict comes in other forms, too. It comes in hard situations that are often unexpected. I'm a person who knows she has a short temper, and has a hard time letting things go. So I don't let it get that far. I never got to the point where I deal with the things that get past my protective wall. I just shut down.
For the last four years I've been praying to God, asking him why out of all the schools in the country, and all the schools I could have gone to, would He have me here, at this little school no one has ever heard of, in the middle of nowhere, and with people who wouldn't understand me. I think I finally get it. I think He wanted me to realize that I can't just walk away from every situation, and I'm not going to be comfortable everywhere I go. I still have to hold my head up and let His light shine throughout.
So, God, I have to apologize. I'm sorry that I let You down, and allowed my emotions to cloud my judgment, instead of turning to You for support. Please help me to spend the amount of time I have left turning this around, and allowing others to see You through me. I'm done running away.
Amen.
Wow, you sound so much like my sister! She's always been that way. She holds things in, and releases through tears. We used to call her a crybaby, but as we get older I understand that mentality more and more.
ReplyDeleteIt stinks when God places us in uncomfortable/unpleasant situations, but when we come through it sucessfully and God gets glorified? It's so worth it. It sounds cliché, but it's true!
Keep your head up and your pen poised, Jalisa =)
Oh Jali . . . wow!!! I had to pause a few times reading your peice.
ReplyDeleteAll I can say is that I love you and can relate.
This is aunt Rose using Ketura's acct.