Worth the Wait Part 2: What to Expect When You're "Dating" Saved
"At last!" the man exclaimed. "This one is bone from my bone, and flesh
from my flesh! She will be called 'woman,' because she was taken from
'man.'" Genesis 2:23 (New Living Translation)
So 4 months back, I wrote a piece about the warning signs of someone who presented as being saved and wanting to date you, but really were wolves in church clothing. And at one point I mentioned that I wasn't sure where the line was for those professing salvation. Do we do the "meet and greet" stuff that the world does, or do we rock the Old Testament Bible swag? What does "saved" dating, or courting look like?
Well, I've been praying. And studying. And watching. And experiencing. And I realize that a lot of women, including myself, do not know how to be courted properly by the time they are approaching the marrying age. It can come from being sheltered like I was. I grew up with a dad, 9 uncles total, 2 grandfathers, and 8 boy cousins who were in my age group (and then 5 more came when I was a little older). I was not lacking in male attention, love, or support at any age. I never had to work for it, and neither did they; it was built-in. The plus side of that is that I wasn't a boy-crazy teenager falling for every dude that smiled at me right... the down side to that was if someone did catch my eye, then that meant they were amazing (or so I thought)... and if they smiled at me right, it was all over! And I experienced heartbreak because I expected the kind of love that I had received all my life. I would end up giving more than I received, becoming more attached to them than they were to me, and that made it much more difficult to walk away when I realized it wasn't going anywhere.
You can be extremely exposed like some of my friends who had no father or positive male figure in their lives. They were often unprotected, felt unloved, and starved for male attention. And they began the cycle of heartbreak at a young age because there was no one to cover them or shield them from the predators.
So now we have a world where, in and out of the church, there are a bunch of pseudo-relationships and confused people with feelings they don't know what to do with. We have women who are confused because they are unsure of how a man feels about them, or what his intentions are. We have relationships that always appear to be on the rocks because it seems as if the couple is coaching each other through the relationship, instead of each partner being ready for their role before committing to it. We have women who keep entering the same relationship with different men over and over again, expecting it to be different because this one was a little smoother than the last and covered his tracks better. And that would be fine if it only happened in the world. But it happens in church. A lot. With the laypeople, and the clergy. With the older saints, and the younger saints.
I am in the acquaintanceship of a few women who are in their 30s and 40s in various churches, and they have been waiting on husbands for years. Some of them are bitter, and 75% of the time go around talking about how men can't do anything for them. But then they're upset if none approach. Others are very open to the advances of men, any men that come into the church, and in their eagerness, end up running them away. Either way, it looks to me like they're playing a game. And they always lose.
Enter me. I'm 25, and I have just been informed that my mom and aunts have a list of prospective suitors (that they concocted with no input from me or the people on that list). After hearing who was on it, I concluded that they know nothing about me or my preferences. But I digress.
I've also been approached directly and indirectly by young men... who just didn't get it right. Some were extremely goofy, while others jumped right to asking me out. Some asked the wrong people about me so I heard about their interest before they even addressed me, which really turned me off to them. I know it sounds like I'm being really picky, but I'm going somewhere with this.
I was turned off to each of these men for variations of the following reasons:
1. None of them had taken the time to get to know me before they decided that I was someone they should pursue. If you read the "Churchy vs. Saved" article, I touched on the fact that we often invite drama in our lives by not doing our research first. It's cool that they heard me praying or singing that one time they were at my church, or that they sat in a class when I taught Sunday School. But that simply means I know how to function in a church. But what am I about as a person? What are my interests, my dreams, my goals? Did they pray about me, or for me? What about me drew them enough to attempt to pursue me?
I know what you're thinking. How would they come to know all that if I didn't go out with them or spend time with them first? Answer: Watch and pray. First of all, if we're headed in the same direction, then our paths should cross often enough that you would be able to get to know me by the work that I do, by the way that I treat others in the church, and by my consistency. I truly believe that there is a divine order to things, and that when God is ready for me to meet my husband, He will set it up so that we can't miss each other. My uncle and aunt went to many of the same conventions and programs for DECADES before they even heard a whisper of the other. Why? God wasn't ready for them to meet yet. When things were in order, it worked out so that they were able to spend time to get to know one another in and out of church. Matthew 7:17-20 says that we will know a tree by the fruit it bears. Watch me. Am I fruitful?
2. A couple of them threw a few tired lines my way and literally waited for me to melt under their radiant flexing. Like literally. Faces fell because I was waiting for more. Oh, you're an ordained minister/elder? And what else? Wow, you have a job and pay bills. What else? You know every book of the Bible and the disciples? That's all cool, but that's all surface. Where's the substance? What are your dreams and goals? Where is your transparency? What do you want with me? How can you benefit my life and how can I benefit yours?
See, I believe that the "burden of proof" is on the pursuer, who in my book should always be the man. So if you're coming to me, your game should be tight. That means you've done your research (see number 1). You have FOUND a way to be in my presence. You have presented yourself in a way that I feel comfortable revealing parts of myself to you and encouraging you to take the next step. My dad sneak-dated my mom. He picked her up from work every day - and she let him - for months before she realized that this may have been more than just a ride home. It was after he had proven how far he was willing to go to be in her presence and take care of her before officially entering a courtship that they both committed to. He pursued her and showed her what he had to offer before asking her to trust him with her heart.
When Abraham's servant pursued Rebekah for Isaac in Genesis 24:53-54, he gave her and her family jewelry and clothing. This was not about glorifying material things in a relationship, but it was proof to her and her family that Isaac could and would take care of her when they married. The reason why none of those men did anything for me was because... they weren't trying to do anything for me. They weren't telling me those things to say, "here's what I have to offer you,"... it was about, "look at me, you should be impressed." And when I wasn't, they didn't know what to do. Yawn.
3. Some of them asked about me before they ever even approached me. That's cool, I guess. But it should be discreet. One person saw me all the time and NEVER spoke to me, but I kept hearing that he was interested in me. Um. No, sir. My mom tried to justify it by saying he might have been shy. Here's a secret about me: I am an introvert. I don't like being around a lot of people, and I don't like being around anyone at all sometimes. The thing is, when I want something, I mean truly want it or need it, I'm going to do whatever it takes to get it (within reason). So that means if I have to entertain somebody's corny jokes at work when all I really want to do is watch Netflix under my covers all day, that's what I'll do. You are looking to be MY man, the future head of my household/father of my children/spiritual, physical, and financial covering and protection... and you can't even muster up the courage to speak to me? You can't even prove that you'll step outside of your comfort zone to have a conversation? You need to stick to myHeritage.com because I'm alreadydonewithyou.com.
We all know the story of Jacob, who labored 14 years so that he could marry Rachel. His uncle played him, betrayed him, lied to him, and exploited him but he endured it all for the one that he wanted. I honestly, straight up, don't care if you're afraid of rejection, sensitive, or whatever. If you want me, come get me. If you won't because it's uncomfortable or scary for you, then I don't think you're ready for that relationship.
4. This may be the most important point (to me). NONE of the men who have approached me made their intentions clear. The goofy ones, I wasn't sure what they wanted. Are you just flirting? Are you really trying to get my attention? I can't tell. The real deep and serious ones weren't much better. Ok, you noticed me. You've decided that you and I should go out. And how does that work? You still don't know anything about me, and you didn't make any efforts to find out about me before you made that decision. I mean, do you want a trophy? I need to know if you want me to play a role so that I can tell you I don't fit the bill. About the ones hiding behind curtains? I think I've said enough.
None of them expressed what they are looking for in a relationship, or even a friendship. I don't believe in emotional shopping or window shopping. I'm not looking to borrow love and affection from a man and then put it back (or be put back). I'm not about getting attached to someone only to realize down the line that they are not who God chose for me, and then going through the painful process of separating, healing, and moving on. I believe that that is 100% avoidable. If you know your intentions, you can make them known to me, and I'll either be in agreement with them or not.
Jesus said in John 10:10 that He came that we might have life and that we might have it more abundantly. In Revelation 19:7-9, we, the people of God, are described as the bride of Christ. He came to lay down His life for us (John 15:13). When God gave Eve to Adam, he declared on the spot that she was bone of his bone and flesh of his flesh (Genesis 2:23-25). He let her know that she would be above everyone in his life, including his family. Verse 25 really stuck out to me, because it said that they were naked and unashamed. Can you be naked with me and unashamed? Can you tell me your desires, your hurts, your flaws and trust me to carry them? Can I trust you in the same way? Not if I don't know what you're here for.
So, I know I've said a lot, and hopefully at this point you haven't completely written me off as idealistic and stuck-up. But based on my observations of modern-day and Biblical couples who put God at the center of their relationship, this is my interpretation of God's formula for engaging in a romantic relationship designed to lead to a Godly marriage:
1. Friends first - Work together in the local church, jurisdiction, region, whatever level you're trying to go up to. Go out with a group. Get to know each other in a SAFE manner (no enclosed spaces alone). There is nothing that you'll learn on an intimate first or second date that you won't learn by hanging out for awhile. And it eliminates the expectation or hope that it might go somewhere, and the subsequent disappointment if it doesn't. When you're just friends, your focus is still on God, and not necessarily each other (I hope). I had a lot of male friends growing up. I love(d) them and was fiercely protective of them. But I know in my heart of hearts that they would not have lived to see their 21st birthday if I had entered a relationship with them. Seriously. I'd be writing this from cell block F right now.
2. He pursues. You don't - This is where we meet some discrepancy with the ideals of the world. The 21st century world says that women are just as capable as men of initiating and pursuing what (who) she wants. And that's true, cognitively. But emotionally? Nah. I believe that God knew what He was doing when he created man first and tasked him with organizing and naming every creature, including the woman. He gave Adam the responsibility to work, provide, and lead. He wasn't leading Eve when she encountered Satan the first time, and look what happened. Eve wasn't stupid, but she allowed her emotions to get the best of her, and her husband wasn't there to cover or protect her. When we go after men instead of allowing them to come after us, we 1) automatically usurp their role as the leader in the relationship and confuse the dynamics, 2) leave ourselves open without giving him a chance to cover us, and 3) set ourselves up to be taken advantage of. There's a good chance he wasn't pursuing you because he wasn't interested, and you just gave him permission to reap your benefits without sowing anything into you. We need to stop going out like that.
3. When he pursues, he makes his intentions known - If you have to ask where the relationship is going, or if you're even in a relationship, then you're not in a relationship. If you're constantly wondering how he truly feels about you because he won't tell you or open up to you, he's not serious. I wouldn't take a job if my potential employer couldn't tell me what my salary and benefits would be. Why would I accept that from the person I'd be potentially sharing the rest of my life with? If you were friends for a good amount of time before he pursued you, he should know enough about you to gauge whether or not you're on the same page. If he sought the Lord and counsel before pursuing you, he should know whether or not this pursuit is in line with God's will. So by the time he gets to you, his intentions should be clear to him so that he can reveal them to you. If he's not doing that... run, girl, run!
4. If you are still in agreement, get covered - You should each be under some spiritual covering as you pursue this relationship. It can be your pastor or first lady. It can be your mom, or one of the women in the church who you know will pray for you and advise you with Godly wisdom. He should have been seeking counsel before he pursued you, and should continue. At this point, there is already an understanding of where the relationship is going, and it's about perfecting your walk as your paths begin to merge.
5. Fish or cut bait - See number 3. You've been at this for awhile, he likes (loves) you, you like (love) him, he's made it clear what his intentions are concerning you; but now it seems like y'all have been sitting in the shallow end of the pool for a long time. Please ma'am. If you feel as if your time is being wasted, lines are getting blurred, and things are getting confused, you can take a step back. God is not the author of confusion (1 Corinthians 14:33). If you don't know where it's going, he doesn't seem to be making any moves, and you feel stuck, take some space. Pray. Meditate. Do fun (saved) single girl stuff. You're single until you say "I do." Remember, I'm not going to start working at the shady employer's office until I sign the contract. If it feels fishy, I'm going to take time to think about it and weigh my options. If you step back from the relationship and homeboy misses you enough to pursue you again, you need to go through steps 2-4. Again. Don't give ultimatums. Don't play games. But don't get played either. If he seems content leaving you on ice, then he's showing you that he's not willing to claim, cover, and protect your heart. So move on. It's not the end of the world. Just that relationship.
6. Get it together - I think we've bridged the gap. Most people get it right at this point, if they've done most things right leading up to it. You're in love, God okayed it, time to get your lives together to live as man and wife. Go'n and get yours!
Dating saved is not about playing games. It's about trusting God to lead you in the right direction and not relying on your emotions to tell you what to do. Jeremiah 17:9-10 says that the heart is deceitful, and that the Lord judges us by what we do, not how we feel. That young man may really have genuine feelings for you, yes. But if he's not taking the steps to ensure that you will be his, AND that when you are his you'll be taken care of in every area, it's going to be a very rocky ride, and you don't have to put up with that. Expect the best. Because you are the best. God said so.
So 4 months back, I wrote a piece about the warning signs of someone who presented as being saved and wanting to date you, but really were wolves in church clothing. And at one point I mentioned that I wasn't sure where the line was for those professing salvation. Do we do the "meet and greet" stuff that the world does, or do we rock the Old Testament Bible swag? What does "saved" dating, or courting look like?
Well, I've been praying. And studying. And watching. And experiencing. And I realize that a lot of women, including myself, do not know how to be courted properly by the time they are approaching the marrying age. It can come from being sheltered like I was. I grew up with a dad, 9 uncles total, 2 grandfathers, and 8 boy cousins who were in my age group (and then 5 more came when I was a little older). I was not lacking in male attention, love, or support at any age. I never had to work for it, and neither did they; it was built-in. The plus side of that is that I wasn't a boy-crazy teenager falling for every dude that smiled at me right... the down side to that was if someone did catch my eye, then that meant they were amazing (or so I thought)... and if they smiled at me right, it was all over! And I experienced heartbreak because I expected the kind of love that I had received all my life. I would end up giving more than I received, becoming more attached to them than they were to me, and that made it much more difficult to walk away when I realized it wasn't going anywhere.
You can be extremely exposed like some of my friends who had no father or positive male figure in their lives. They were often unprotected, felt unloved, and starved for male attention. And they began the cycle of heartbreak at a young age because there was no one to cover them or shield them from the predators.
So now we have a world where, in and out of the church, there are a bunch of pseudo-relationships and confused people with feelings they don't know what to do with. We have women who are confused because they are unsure of how a man feels about them, or what his intentions are. We have relationships that always appear to be on the rocks because it seems as if the couple is coaching each other through the relationship, instead of each partner being ready for their role before committing to it. We have women who keep entering the same relationship with different men over and over again, expecting it to be different because this one was a little smoother than the last and covered his tracks better. And that would be fine if it only happened in the world. But it happens in church. A lot. With the laypeople, and the clergy. With the older saints, and the younger saints.
I am in the acquaintanceship of a few women who are in their 30s and 40s in various churches, and they have been waiting on husbands for years. Some of them are bitter, and 75% of the time go around talking about how men can't do anything for them. But then they're upset if none approach. Others are very open to the advances of men, any men that come into the church, and in their eagerness, end up running them away. Either way, it looks to me like they're playing a game. And they always lose.
Enter me. I'm 25, and I have just been informed that my mom and aunts have a list of prospective suitors (that they concocted with no input from me or the people on that list). After hearing who was on it, I concluded that they know nothing about me or my preferences. But I digress.
I've also been approached directly and indirectly by young men... who just didn't get it right. Some were extremely goofy, while others jumped right to asking me out. Some asked the wrong people about me so I heard about their interest before they even addressed me, which really turned me off to them. I know it sounds like I'm being really picky, but I'm going somewhere with this.
I was turned off to each of these men for variations of the following reasons:
1. None of them had taken the time to get to know me before they decided that I was someone they should pursue. If you read the "Churchy vs. Saved" article, I touched on the fact that we often invite drama in our lives by not doing our research first. It's cool that they heard me praying or singing that one time they were at my church, or that they sat in a class when I taught Sunday School. But that simply means I know how to function in a church. But what am I about as a person? What are my interests, my dreams, my goals? Did they pray about me, or for me? What about me drew them enough to attempt to pursue me?
I know what you're thinking. How would they come to know all that if I didn't go out with them or spend time with them first? Answer: Watch and pray. First of all, if we're headed in the same direction, then our paths should cross often enough that you would be able to get to know me by the work that I do, by the way that I treat others in the church, and by my consistency. I truly believe that there is a divine order to things, and that when God is ready for me to meet my husband, He will set it up so that we can't miss each other. My uncle and aunt went to many of the same conventions and programs for DECADES before they even heard a whisper of the other. Why? God wasn't ready for them to meet yet. When things were in order, it worked out so that they were able to spend time to get to know one another in and out of church. Matthew 7:17-20 says that we will know a tree by the fruit it bears. Watch me. Am I fruitful?
2. A couple of them threw a few tired lines my way and literally waited for me to melt under their radiant flexing. Like literally. Faces fell because I was waiting for more. Oh, you're an ordained minister/elder? And what else? Wow, you have a job and pay bills. What else? You know every book of the Bible and the disciples? That's all cool, but that's all surface. Where's the substance? What are your dreams and goals? Where is your transparency? What do you want with me? How can you benefit my life and how can I benefit yours?
See, I believe that the "burden of proof" is on the pursuer, who in my book should always be the man. So if you're coming to me, your game should be tight. That means you've done your research (see number 1). You have FOUND a way to be in my presence. You have presented yourself in a way that I feel comfortable revealing parts of myself to you and encouraging you to take the next step. My dad sneak-dated my mom. He picked her up from work every day - and she let him - for months before she realized that this may have been more than just a ride home. It was after he had proven how far he was willing to go to be in her presence and take care of her before officially entering a courtship that they both committed to. He pursued her and showed her what he had to offer before asking her to trust him with her heart.
When Abraham's servant pursued Rebekah for Isaac in Genesis 24:53-54, he gave her and her family jewelry and clothing. This was not about glorifying material things in a relationship, but it was proof to her and her family that Isaac could and would take care of her when they married. The reason why none of those men did anything for me was because... they weren't trying to do anything for me. They weren't telling me those things to say, "here's what I have to offer you,"... it was about, "look at me, you should be impressed." And when I wasn't, they didn't know what to do. Yawn.
3. Some of them asked about me before they ever even approached me. That's cool, I guess. But it should be discreet. One person saw me all the time and NEVER spoke to me, but I kept hearing that he was interested in me. Um. No, sir. My mom tried to justify it by saying he might have been shy. Here's a secret about me: I am an introvert. I don't like being around a lot of people, and I don't like being around anyone at all sometimes. The thing is, when I want something, I mean truly want it or need it, I'm going to do whatever it takes to get it (within reason). So that means if I have to entertain somebody's corny jokes at work when all I really want to do is watch Netflix under my covers all day, that's what I'll do. You are looking to be MY man, the future head of my household/father of my children/spiritual, physical, and financial covering and protection... and you can't even muster up the courage to speak to me? You can't even prove that you'll step outside of your comfort zone to have a conversation? You need to stick to myHeritage.com because I'm alreadydonewithyou.com.
We all know the story of Jacob, who labored 14 years so that he could marry Rachel. His uncle played him, betrayed him, lied to him, and exploited him but he endured it all for the one that he wanted. I honestly, straight up, don't care if you're afraid of rejection, sensitive, or whatever. If you want me, come get me. If you won't because it's uncomfortable or scary for you, then I don't think you're ready for that relationship.
4. This may be the most important point (to me). NONE of the men who have approached me made their intentions clear. The goofy ones, I wasn't sure what they wanted. Are you just flirting? Are you really trying to get my attention? I can't tell. The real deep and serious ones weren't much better. Ok, you noticed me. You've decided that you and I should go out. And how does that work? You still don't know anything about me, and you didn't make any efforts to find out about me before you made that decision. I mean, do you want a trophy? I need to know if you want me to play a role so that I can tell you I don't fit the bill. About the ones hiding behind curtains? I think I've said enough.
None of them expressed what they are looking for in a relationship, or even a friendship. I don't believe in emotional shopping or window shopping. I'm not looking to borrow love and affection from a man and then put it back (or be put back). I'm not about getting attached to someone only to realize down the line that they are not who God chose for me, and then going through the painful process of separating, healing, and moving on. I believe that that is 100% avoidable. If you know your intentions, you can make them known to me, and I'll either be in agreement with them or not.
Jesus said in John 10:10 that He came that we might have life and that we might have it more abundantly. In Revelation 19:7-9, we, the people of God, are described as the bride of Christ. He came to lay down His life for us (John 15:13). When God gave Eve to Adam, he declared on the spot that she was bone of his bone and flesh of his flesh (Genesis 2:23-25). He let her know that she would be above everyone in his life, including his family. Verse 25 really stuck out to me, because it said that they were naked and unashamed. Can you be naked with me and unashamed? Can you tell me your desires, your hurts, your flaws and trust me to carry them? Can I trust you in the same way? Not if I don't know what you're here for.
So, I know I've said a lot, and hopefully at this point you haven't completely written me off as idealistic and stuck-up. But based on my observations of modern-day and Biblical couples who put God at the center of their relationship, this is my interpretation of God's formula for engaging in a romantic relationship designed to lead to a Godly marriage:
1. Friends first - Work together in the local church, jurisdiction, region, whatever level you're trying to go up to. Go out with a group. Get to know each other in a SAFE manner (no enclosed spaces alone). There is nothing that you'll learn on an intimate first or second date that you won't learn by hanging out for awhile. And it eliminates the expectation or hope that it might go somewhere, and the subsequent disappointment if it doesn't. When you're just friends, your focus is still on God, and not necessarily each other (I hope). I had a lot of male friends growing up. I love(d) them and was fiercely protective of them. But I know in my heart of hearts that they would not have lived to see their 21st birthday if I had entered a relationship with them. Seriously. I'd be writing this from cell block F right now.
2. He pursues. You don't - This is where we meet some discrepancy with the ideals of the world. The 21st century world says that women are just as capable as men of initiating and pursuing what (who) she wants. And that's true, cognitively. But emotionally? Nah. I believe that God knew what He was doing when he created man first and tasked him with organizing and naming every creature, including the woman. He gave Adam the responsibility to work, provide, and lead. He wasn't leading Eve when she encountered Satan the first time, and look what happened. Eve wasn't stupid, but she allowed her emotions to get the best of her, and her husband wasn't there to cover or protect her. When we go after men instead of allowing them to come after us, we 1) automatically usurp their role as the leader in the relationship and confuse the dynamics, 2) leave ourselves open without giving him a chance to cover us, and 3) set ourselves up to be taken advantage of. There's a good chance he wasn't pursuing you because he wasn't interested, and you just gave him permission to reap your benefits without sowing anything into you. We need to stop going out like that.
3. When he pursues, he makes his intentions known - If you have to ask where the relationship is going, or if you're even in a relationship, then you're not in a relationship. If you're constantly wondering how he truly feels about you because he won't tell you or open up to you, he's not serious. I wouldn't take a job if my potential employer couldn't tell me what my salary and benefits would be. Why would I accept that from the person I'd be potentially sharing the rest of my life with? If you were friends for a good amount of time before he pursued you, he should know enough about you to gauge whether or not you're on the same page. If he sought the Lord and counsel before pursuing you, he should know whether or not this pursuit is in line with God's will. So by the time he gets to you, his intentions should be clear to him so that he can reveal them to you. If he's not doing that... run, girl, run!
4. If you are still in agreement, get covered - You should each be under some spiritual covering as you pursue this relationship. It can be your pastor or first lady. It can be your mom, or one of the women in the church who you know will pray for you and advise you with Godly wisdom. He should have been seeking counsel before he pursued you, and should continue. At this point, there is already an understanding of where the relationship is going, and it's about perfecting your walk as your paths begin to merge.
5. Fish or cut bait - See number 3. You've been at this for awhile, he likes (loves) you, you like (love) him, he's made it clear what his intentions are concerning you; but now it seems like y'all have been sitting in the shallow end of the pool for a long time. Please ma'am. If you feel as if your time is being wasted, lines are getting blurred, and things are getting confused, you can take a step back. God is not the author of confusion (1 Corinthians 14:33). If you don't know where it's going, he doesn't seem to be making any moves, and you feel stuck, take some space. Pray. Meditate. Do fun (saved) single girl stuff. You're single until you say "I do." Remember, I'm not going to start working at the shady employer's office until I sign the contract. If it feels fishy, I'm going to take time to think about it and weigh my options. If you step back from the relationship and homeboy misses you enough to pursue you again, you need to go through steps 2-4. Again. Don't give ultimatums. Don't play games. But don't get played either. If he seems content leaving you on ice, then he's showing you that he's not willing to claim, cover, and protect your heart. So move on. It's not the end of the world. Just that relationship.
6. Get it together - I think we've bridged the gap. Most people get it right at this point, if they've done most things right leading up to it. You're in love, God okayed it, time to get your lives together to live as man and wife. Go'n and get yours!
Dating saved is not about playing games. It's about trusting God to lead you in the right direction and not relying on your emotions to tell you what to do. Jeremiah 17:9-10 says that the heart is deceitful, and that the Lord judges us by what we do, not how we feel. That young man may really have genuine feelings for you, yes. But if he's not taking the steps to ensure that you will be his, AND that when you are his you'll be taken care of in every area, it's going to be a very rocky ride, and you don't have to put up with that. Expect the best. Because you are the best. God said so.
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