God is Gracious, God is my Oath
This month, I've been doing some serious reading and contemplating on my life as a single woman of God. Now that I'm 23, I'm getting the comments. You know the ones... "Have you found a husband yet?" "It's about time for you to start settling down." and my favorite, "You ready to marry your preacher yet?"Also, I've been receiving the backwards-push to marriage from my grandmother who told me that if I marry a white man (because I'm out here in a predominantly Caucasoid environment), to 'make sure he voted for Obama'... but I digress...
Anyway, I'm at the age where more and more of my friends are getting swept up into serious relationships and/or marriage, and I'm starting to contemplate my singleness. I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm not at the front of any lines ready to break a face over a bouquet, but I'm starting to wonder about my life as a single woman and what it would be like to be married. On the one hand, I relish the thought of meeting my hubby (and having somebody to call "hubby") at the door with a home cooked meal piping hot and ready to serve. But, we all know that will happen ONCE a millennium... but it's nice to think about. Then, I wonder what it might feel like to lay in bed at night and do the pillow talk thing, and have somebody hold me as I fall asleep. You know, that sense of security and warmth that comes from being with somebody who you know is yours forever?
But then...
I think about having to have a meal ready for this man EVERY NIGHT! How often will I be tempted to say "Babe, let's order out," or, "you cook tonight, I'm tired." I can't imagine my hubster being happy about hearing that on a regular basis. And what about when I want my quiet time? I don't know if I can handle a chatty husband when I just want to be alone with my thoughts. What if I have too many nights of just going off into my own little closet (because I WILL have one!) and locking the door, neglecting my man? And then, what about at night? Do I really want somebody's heavy, meaty arm pressing on my small, delicate frame, almost crushing me? And do I want to be BREATHED on (if you know me at ALL, you know, I can't stand the feel of somebody else's breath on my neck or back, it makes me shudder... eewwwwww) all night? I might have to stuff a pillow in the middle from time to time just to fall asleep. And then what if he suffocates? Okay, I'm coming back around, I promise...
Anyway, as I ponder my dreams (or fears, depending on the day) of marriage, I don't get very far without questioning God's role in my marriage. Will He always be the head? How can I know when I'm spiritually ready to marry? I don't want to join with somebody else if I'm not completely right and whole in Jesus. If I never get married, will I be bitter? Or will I be happy just being me? I mean, right now, it works for me. I'm in school, and my life is way too hectic and unpredictable right now for me to feel comfortable being accountable to someone else in that way. Right now, the only person I answer to is my mom, and she has her own life. But what if I'm so caught up in my own stuff that I walk right past my soul mate (and I mean that literally. God linked us up a long time ago. He's just getting us ready)? My cousin told me a little while back that I have a bad habit of shutting guys down when they try to talk to me. I never noticed. That makes me nervous. What if I already walked by him? Or told him off unnecessarily? Or turned him off some other way? Is God going to make sure he comes back to me? Oh, Lord, please say You will!!
Eh. These questions can go on forever. But, as I've asked them, I've been reading. I've been reading about Ruth, who lost a husband, and chose to leave everything she knew out of loyalty and love for her mother in law. Because of her sacrifice, she got a new husband who took care of her, her mother in law, and she became the mother of a Royal line... all the way down to Jesus Himself.
I've been reading about Jephthah, who sacrificed his daughter in a vow he made to God in the heat of the moment during a war. I choose to believe that this sacrifice didn't involve a physical death, but the death of the girl's dreams to marry and have a family of her own. But she was obedient and went along with her father's promise. Because of her sacrifice, she lived out her days a virgin and husbandless. She had no siblings, and therefore also represented the end of her father's lineage.
I'm also reading the book of Hosea, the prophet who married a prostitute who cheated on him time and again. And yet, per the Lord's instructions, he took her back and loved her anyway. I cheat on God all the time. I watch TV when I know he called me to pray. I read romance novels even though there's a scripture burning in my heart. I get on the phone and call anybody, EVERYBODY to avoid yelling out that praise that's bubbling beneath the surface. And yet, He keeps taking me back. Why? Because He's married to me. And He loves me.
I also read about Peter. You know, the disciple of Jesus. Did you know that Peter is a form of the Greek word petros, which means "rock"? (Lawrence, 2011). His formal name, his given name, was Simon. But in Matthew 16:18, Jesus changed his name to Peter, the rock upon which He would build His church which would outlast the gates of Hell. The book I was reading that went so deep into Peter's world held a phrase that was repeated over and over: "The name you embrace is the name you become." So, I wondered. What is my name? I went over to BabyNames.com to look up the name Jalisa. Turns out my name is a combination of "Jane" and "Lisa." Jane means "God is gracious." Lisa means "God is my oath." Sounds good to me.
So. What does all this rambling mean? It means that after all that reading and studying and praying, I found that at this moment in time, I am satisfied. I want to get married, but it's all in God's time and not my own. It helps that my own timeline puts marriage a ways off, but it's good to remember that God has my back concerning the matter and every other, and He's proven this time and time again. In the meantime, I need to live up to my name. God is gracious? Absolutely. There's no way I would have gotten CLOSE to where I am without His grace. I need to acknowledge it way more than I already do. God is my oath? Yes. Since I was twelve years old, and that oath gets stronger and stronger the more I walk with Him.
Be Blessed!
Anyway, I'm at the age where more and more of my friends are getting swept up into serious relationships and/or marriage, and I'm starting to contemplate my singleness. I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm not at the front of any lines ready to break a face over a bouquet, but I'm starting to wonder about my life as a single woman and what it would be like to be married. On the one hand, I relish the thought of meeting my hubby (and having somebody to call "hubby") at the door with a home cooked meal piping hot and ready to serve. But, we all know that will happen ONCE a millennium... but it's nice to think about. Then, I wonder what it might feel like to lay in bed at night and do the pillow talk thing, and have somebody hold me as I fall asleep. You know, that sense of security and warmth that comes from being with somebody who you know is yours forever?
But then...
I think about having to have a meal ready for this man EVERY NIGHT! How often will I be tempted to say "Babe, let's order out," or, "you cook tonight, I'm tired." I can't imagine my hubster being happy about hearing that on a regular basis. And what about when I want my quiet time? I don't know if I can handle a chatty husband when I just want to be alone with my thoughts. What if I have too many nights of just going off into my own little closet (because I WILL have one!) and locking the door, neglecting my man? And then, what about at night? Do I really want somebody's heavy, meaty arm pressing on my small, delicate frame, almost crushing me? And do I want to be BREATHED on (if you know me at ALL, you know, I can't stand the feel of somebody else's breath on my neck or back, it makes me shudder... eewwwwww) all night? I might have to stuff a pillow in the middle from time to time just to fall asleep. And then what if he suffocates? Okay, I'm coming back around, I promise...
Anyway, as I ponder my dreams (or fears, depending on the day) of marriage, I don't get very far without questioning God's role in my marriage. Will He always be the head? How can I know when I'm spiritually ready to marry? I don't want to join with somebody else if I'm not completely right and whole in Jesus. If I never get married, will I be bitter? Or will I be happy just being me? I mean, right now, it works for me. I'm in school, and my life is way too hectic and unpredictable right now for me to feel comfortable being accountable to someone else in that way. Right now, the only person I answer to is my mom, and she has her own life. But what if I'm so caught up in my own stuff that I walk right past my soul mate (and I mean that literally. God linked us up a long time ago. He's just getting us ready)? My cousin told me a little while back that I have a bad habit of shutting guys down when they try to talk to me. I never noticed. That makes me nervous. What if I already walked by him? Or told him off unnecessarily? Or turned him off some other way? Is God going to make sure he comes back to me? Oh, Lord, please say You will!!
Eh. These questions can go on forever. But, as I've asked them, I've been reading. I've been reading about Ruth, who lost a husband, and chose to leave everything she knew out of loyalty and love for her mother in law. Because of her sacrifice, she got a new husband who took care of her, her mother in law, and she became the mother of a Royal line... all the way down to Jesus Himself.
I've been reading about Jephthah, who sacrificed his daughter in a vow he made to God in the heat of the moment during a war. I choose to believe that this sacrifice didn't involve a physical death, but the death of the girl's dreams to marry and have a family of her own. But she was obedient and went along with her father's promise. Because of her sacrifice, she lived out her days a virgin and husbandless. She had no siblings, and therefore also represented the end of her father's lineage.
I'm also reading the book of Hosea, the prophet who married a prostitute who cheated on him time and again. And yet, per the Lord's instructions, he took her back and loved her anyway. I cheat on God all the time. I watch TV when I know he called me to pray. I read romance novels even though there's a scripture burning in my heart. I get on the phone and call anybody, EVERYBODY to avoid yelling out that praise that's bubbling beneath the surface. And yet, He keeps taking me back. Why? Because He's married to me. And He loves me.
I also read about Peter. You know, the disciple of Jesus. Did you know that Peter is a form of the Greek word petros, which means "rock"? (Lawrence, 2011). His formal name, his given name, was Simon. But in Matthew 16:18, Jesus changed his name to Peter, the rock upon which He would build His church which would outlast the gates of Hell. The book I was reading that went so deep into Peter's world held a phrase that was repeated over and over: "The name you embrace is the name you become." So, I wondered. What is my name? I went over to BabyNames.com to look up the name Jalisa. Turns out my name is a combination of "Jane" and "Lisa." Jane means "God is gracious." Lisa means "God is my oath." Sounds good to me.
So. What does all this rambling mean? It means that after all that reading and studying and praying, I found that at this moment in time, I am satisfied. I want to get married, but it's all in God's time and not my own. It helps that my own timeline puts marriage a ways off, but it's good to remember that God has my back concerning the matter and every other, and He's proven this time and time again. In the meantime, I need to live up to my name. God is gracious? Absolutely. There's no way I would have gotten CLOSE to where I am without His grace. I need to acknowledge it way more than I already do. God is my oath? Yes. Since I was twelve years old, and that oath gets stronger and stronger the more I walk with Him.
Be Blessed!
Jalisa, I can relate to this post and you're not alone. You touched on a lot solid points from the Bible and it shows that you are knowledgeable of God's word. I personally, am still finding my way around scripture. I hate to admit this, but I question God everyday on why I'm still single. But like you said, there's my own timing and then there's God's timing.
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