My Name is Jali

For the past few months I have not had it in me to blog. The excuses are endless. My grandpa passed. I started grad school. I'm tired all the time. I'm still nursing a broken heart. I'm.... The truth is, my mind has just plain been too disorganized to post something worthy of reading. I haven't been able to do much more than throw a constant stream of pity parties, the booze coming in the form of tears for one reason or another. But you know what this year has taught me more than anything? It's taught me about love. I've always been taught that God is love, and that His love is unconditional, even when we turn away from Him and disobey His commandments. I get it now. Funny how you hear something your whole life and never understand what it means until you experience it for yourself. This year I learned what it's like to love somebody unconditionally, and not only have them NOT return that love, but doubt that your love for them is real. Someti...

My grandfather left this earth almost a month ago, and I still find myself convincing my heart that he's really gone. It's continually heartbreaking, and some days don't even feel real, to be honest. Sometimes I feel like I'm just away at school, and he's just a phone call or car ride away. I miss him. I miss his smile, I miss his mild way of handling things. I miss his booming voice that can be heard so clearly even from far away. I miss how he worried about all of us, no matter how small the situation may be. I loved that he was always taking time out to make sure that those he loved were taken care of, be they family, church members, clients... he was the most selfless person I ever met. I miss telling him about my life and how his reactions were always exactly what I needed them to be. He never told me to stop crying. He never told me to stop being so sensitive. He knew when I was discouraged and made sure to take a minute to encourage me, even if all...

So this is actually a response to a post my friend just did and it really spoke to me. She talked about why nice people tend to finish last when it comes to relationships. I have to say, it's so hard sometimes realize when you're being too nice. See, I thought I was the perfect combination. I knew enough about dudes that I understood that most of them, especially young ones have the ability to play you in a minute. So I thought I was "smart" enough to see that kind of guy coming, and until I met a prince, I wasn't going to be bothered. It didn't dawn on me that nobody actually looks or plans to have their heart broken. It just happens. When it happened to me, it was something I refused to accept it. I couldn't understand how love could be one-sided. I began to make excuses, including the infamous, "He really has feelings, he just doesn't know how to deal with them..." Such a load of crap! To be fair, he did tend to go back and forth with ...

You say you miss me Well I miss you too But that's something I would never say to you You say you really cared I'm pretty sure you did But your actions denied your feelings And I suffered because of it You say you don't want what I want But do you need what I need? I was so sure that you did You made my heart bleed You say you're moving on But your patterns stay the same If you're gonna go, go completely Cus I really can't take the games So you left, and now you're back A simple "hi" was all it took To send me into a tailspin My whole foundation shook I can't let you hurt me again The blows have been too hard I'll have bruises for a while I'm only slightly scarred But your time to grow is up You'll have to wait again Maybe in another lifetime We'll actually be friends Maybe we'll even be more But that's not happening soon I can't even picture being nice Much less being over the m...

Stop me if you've heard these before: "You don't have any problems. You don't pay bills, you don't have to worry about paying for food or clothes. All you have to do is go to school and be a child." "You're a child. You don't know what tired is. You're too young to be tired." "Just get over it. You'll be okay." "Don't question me. You are a child, and what I say goes. Don't worry about why." I never understood when adults played down children's problems. To me, it's another form of neglect. Telling a child or teenager that their problems are not really problems is just as detrimental as refusing to feed them or beating them until they have cuts and bruises. My thing is this; I may be 16 and my worst problem may be dealing with a classmate who doesn't like me. You may be 42 and worrying about whether you lose your job and could care less about what ANYBODY has to say about you, much less so...

Lord, in my early twenties I come to You with these very humble requests As I age, may I age gracefully May my thighs never rub together when I walk May my back fat never grow to look like backwards titties May the only muffin top I encounter be the kind that I eat May I "snap back" after each child May varicose veins be an urban myth May arthritis find a cliff and jump May Alzheimer's disease be just a distant memory May all my natural teeth go in the grave with me And may people mistake me for my great-great-great-great granddaughter's sister. Amen.

Don't you hate that line when somebody breaks up with you and they say some version of "it's not you, it's me"? Well, I say, you are absolutely right! You might be saying it to make me feel better, when secretly, you really believe it's me, but whether you realize it or not, you're speaking truth. We need to take ownership of that knowledge. Get this: If you know that you are the best person that you can possibly be at that moment in time And you are trying your hardest to stay true to yourself while respecting the other person And making every effort possible to maintain that relationship And it still doesn't work, you can believe that it's not you. Don't waste your time on the "whys" and "hows" of the relationship falling apart As tempting as that is to do Don't focus on what you could have done differently and how you could have been more supportive of the other person As hard as it is not to Don't a...

It's no secret that I have not enjoyed my college experience at all... A big part of it was that I did not want to come here in the first place so there was already a black mark on my attitude about college in general... When I got here I called myself giving it a chance by becoming part of a clique. The clique broke up and I took that as an excuse to condemn the rest of my time here and I have been miserable ever since. This is gonna sound like a pity party for a minute but bear with me, I promise it's going somewhere! But anyway... I hated that the school was so small, it was in the middle of nowhere, there was no public transportation, I had to ask people for rides if I wanted to go ANYWHERE off campus, everybody was either part of a Greek letter organization or wanted to be a part of one, I was trying to stay saved and there was no church around where I felt comfortable and there weren't that many saved people on campus who were trying to hold on like I was, and ...

You know that song from Rodgers and Hammerstein's Cinderella ? When Brandy sings, "In my own little corner, in my own little chair, I can be whoever I want to be"? Well, that happens to be one of my ALL TIME favorite songs even to this day because to me it shows the message that you don't need anyone else around you to have a good time or to feel good about yourself I was always belting out "I'm glad to be back in my own little corner... all alone, in my own, little chair..." Because in that little corner in the little chair, nobody else mattered, and nobody else could bother you. But one day I came to a VERY disturbing reality. Eventually, you have to come out of the corner, and the longer you stay in it, the harder it is to adjust to the rest of the world. And the easier it is to retreat back to the corner, hiding. I'm sitting at work, music on blast, with the door closed and a sign on the front door telling people that if they don't ...

"Women don't really want the truth. Y'all say y'all do, but you don't." To every man who has ever uttered those words, please read. To every woman who has ever heard those words, please read. If you're talking about a REAL woman, one who has matured to the point in which she can look internally and accept that she is a flawed character and always has room for change, YES SHE DOES want the truth. The whole truth, and nothing but the truth! Of course, there is always a way to say things respectfully and you should try to make it as clear as possible that you are making your claim in love and/or in the spirit of doing the right thing, but the bottom line is that it should always be the truth. I was at a forum last night, and one of the girls asked why guys lie. A guy responded that he may lie to a girl because he knows he isn't where he needs to be in order to be with her, so he lies so that she'll talk to him. There were so many things wrong...

    I came to this conclusion last night while talking to YET another one of my girl friends about - you know! Those creatures. They come in our lives, wreak havoc, and only the Lord knows what happens next. Some stay, some leave, and others just don't know what to do, so they just run around in circles and all the while WE deal with the emotional backlash of it all.     So my friend was in that stage that a lot of us ladies find ourselves in after we've been hurt before but somehow found ourselves on the brink of love yet again. Scared. Here was this guy who wanted to be with her, and she had equally strong feelings but, paralyzed by the memories of being hurt before, she continued to refuse him. The twisted thing about it, though, was that she wasn't even worried about HIM hurting her... She was worried that SHE might hurt him because of what had happened to her in the past. So here's what I said:     I told her that she was already hurt...

Well the dam finally broke Two weeks of confusion, irritation, physical and emotional pain, and anxiety finally got to me and the tears came down... The first week all I could do was sleep. I only got up for classes and work, and then it was back to bed for me I couldn't talk to anyone about anything coherent Tried to pray but I wasn't really sure of what I was praying about and there were so many things swimming in my head I was in no position to listen to what God had to say, either So I suffered in my sleep. I dreamt dreams that brought me joy and then pain when I woke up and realized that they weren't real I consoled myself and went back to sleep to dream other dreams that tormented me and then I woke up to realize that those weren't real either I didn't know what they meant so I went to sleep mentally exhausted and finally had a sleep that brought no dreams, but brought no rest either. The second week brought the fire. Everything that had been bothe...

So I was sitting in the cafe talking to a homegirl today, and she made a comment about how all the good men are at State... Some of the "men" at Claflin happened to walk by our table as she stated the comment (and I nodded my head in agreement), and of course this led to a heated debate at whether or not there were good men OR women on Claflin's campus. My friend and I argued that there are way more good women at Claflin than there are good men They argued that there are not. So we debated on what makes up a good man or good woman, and all of a sudden, I came to this conclusion: Ya'll don't want good women!! Because having a good woman means that you have to be consistent and loyal even when you don't want to be... It means telling the truth even if it might lead to a fight because you have enough faith in her and your relationship that you'll eventually work it out and you will come to a mutual understanding It means being there for her even when y...

It's a disease and it's epidemic There's no cure, only a buildup of immunity - if you're fortunate! Triflingitis is a real disease, and men are especially vulnerable to it (not saying that some women don't get it) How else do you explain why so many of them are just as WRONG as they can be? It has nothing to do with whether or not they're right for someone That comes out no matter what It has to do with common courtesy and thoughtfulness The idea of thinking BEFORE you act, and not APOLOGIZING after There are just too many men who do these things for them all to be bona fide jerks Things like: 1) Not calling when they say they will 2) Getting together with you and then breaking up with you within two weeks 3) "Talking" to you for a long time but refusing to ever get into a relationship with you 4) Spending time, energy, and sometimes money in efforts to get close to you, and when they finally do, walk away from you 5) Be there f...